Surrender

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
-Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Robert Robinson, John Wyeth, public domain

All to Jesus I surrender, Help me fully count the cost
My own ambitions I abandon, Clinging only to Your cross.
-Stephen Hinkle, Surrender, 2008 hinklemusic

These are two issues I have been struggling with lately. First there is my constantly wandering mind and heart and priorities. Can I just have in mind the things of Christ and make that a habit? No, I can't, and it isn't likely to ever come naturally. Philippians tells us to "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable," etc. "Keep putting into practice all you have learned and received"... (excerpts from Philippians 4:8-9). It is a conscious choice: FIX your thoughts... KEEP putting into practice...I cannot expect to simply soak in a church service on Sunday morning and be set for the rest of the week. In many ways and in many churches, I think Christians in the US do think this is what happens. I go get my fix on Sundays or maybe more commonly, I go give my one or two hours on Sundays and then I did my penance for the week. I gave God what he requires and now I get to do what I want. That fulfilling-a-requirement attitude isn't really what sits in my mind today, though. Moreso it is the idea of thinking two hours on Sunday of sitting and listening or standing and singing is enough to keep me in Christ throughout the week. I am realizing more and more that I simply cannot train myself to think Biblically or to be more Christlike without spending a lot of time in the word, in prayer, and in worship. Yet throughout the week, that is something I rarely do. I have tons of excuses. Too busy. Too lazy. Too forgetful. Too many people needing me to do too many other things. All these excuses fall short, but Sunday seems to be the only day I can see that.

Then there is the idea of clinging to things that are temporary and worldly. It only seems to be when things get upset that I can see this. For instance, I have been dogsitting and I have sort of moved into this house. It is only temporary, yet I can already feel myself creating habits and starting to feel at home there. On the weekends, when I leave their house and come back to mine, I all of a sudden feel all out-of-whack, like neither house is my home. How do I remember that neither the house I normally live in nor this new and temporary arrangement is my actual home? How can I continue to remember that heaven is my home, so any circumstance here is temporary? Our pastor spoke this morning to this topic. You wouldn't see a set for a play and want to move in. You know that play sets are temporary, that the set strike will occur soon, and this is not a dwelling that people can actually stay in. We know this about plays, but we lose sight of this in the world. Our houses are not forever. The stuff we cling to is not truly ours to keep. Things break, disasters happen, but more importantly, none of this stuff has eternal value. Yet we put so much time and effort into holding onto this stuff, upgrading it, repairing it, keeping it nice, storing it safely, etc. This isn't to say we should get rid of everything or treat it poorly, but we should remember that it is only temporary. I remember a sermon from two years ago by a different pastor on the same topic. He said sometimes he walks around his stuff and tells it, "You are only temporary." Funny to imagine actually doing that, but isn't it true? Yet how do we remember that in the day-to-day life?

I'll end with this: what I have been reading in Revelation has really been hitting home, reminding me again how big God is, how much he hates sin, and that the final days will not be easy, but they will be good and triumphant. God will win, and he will obliterate all sin. The thing is, sin is not an entity in itself, but a deeply ingrained thing in all of us. It will not be easy on us when he tears it out of us, but it will be so good. How can I let him cleanse me of my sin now, how can I get rid of sin in my own life now? By clinging to his grace, by living in his word, by becoming aware of my pride and asking forgiveness. It isn't me who will get rid of any of this sin, but I do stand in God's way so that I can continue to cling to it. Lord, make me less so that you can become greater.

Expression

This year has seen two extremes for me in the running scene. I trained the hardest and longest I have ever trained in order to run my longest race to date, a 26.2 mile race in Kenosha, WI. Then I jogged some miles here and there to get back into running after the race and discovered that my left knee was not able to handle running anymore. I don't really know what happened. I don't really think of it as an injury because the word "injury" implies to me that something happened at some point in time. This thing in my knee so far seems to be just overuse, maybe too much mileage added in too short of a time, and poor form mixed to create an injury.

I took off 4 weeks in June, then when my knee was still bad, took off another 2, now another 2. Still not better. I was just in to see the doctor again, and he said another 6 weeks of rest and then "we'll see...". It's disappointing for me on so many levels.

Running is a form of expression for me. I'm not expressing anything to anybody except myself, but it is a way for my spirit to be refreshed. I love to drink in nature's beauty. I love to push myself physically, releasing endorphins. I love the way I feel as I lace up my shoes and reset my watch. I love the grind of step after step that on some runs I notice and other runs my mind just internalizes a floating or flying feeling. Some runs are about the run itself, but many are not. Many runs are initiated by a need to get in the miles or a desire to work off those extra cookies I ate or to meet a certain goal I have set. However, after I take that first step out the door, the reason for the run no longer matters. I am simply running because that is what I do. I run for me. I run for my health. I run because I need to relax my soul. I run to breathe in spring's smells. I run to defy winter's cold days. I run to revel in summer's beauty. I run to appreciate every last ounce of autumn's gold. I run to focus on God and remind myself of who I am and why I do what I do.

For two months now, I haven't been able to run, bike, or do many exercises. I have 6 weeks or more of the same limits ahead. For all I know, it could be a year. It could be forever. Or it could just be 6 weeks. So I have had to find other ways to fill the void of not running.

Music and dance do help with some of the longing for expression. My soul needs to speak, and it does not use words. It works out perfectly for me that So You Think You Can Dance is on in the summertime. Here is this week's most expression-filled dance, by Melanie Moore and all-star Neil.

Fingerprints of God

Rest is a funny thing. It is hard to balance rest in my life. Sometimes, like last spring, I had too much rest, and I felt lazy and useless. This summer rest has been an elusive friend as I fall into bed each night exhausted and must wake up before I am ready to be up.

I can't complain about not getting rest, as the things I am doing sort of fell into my lap and are providing wonderful ministry opportunities. They are also proving to me once again that God is faithful and will provide for his people.

Tonight, though, I had some time to sit outside on the deck and enjoy weather that was not too hot or humid. I read a book that I have wanted to read for awhile, and I just enjoyed the cicadas and the summer evening. For awhile I just sat and watched the clouds move. What do you see in these clouds?

I see a hand print, which of course puts a Steven Curtis Chapman song in my head.

Revelation

I had the chance to listen to some old Francis Chan sermons on Revelation. They can be found by scrolling all the way down on this website. So many Christians are either afraid of the book of Revelation or just plain don't understand it. I am one of those people who doesn't really understand it, but these sermons have given a lot more clarity to it. It is the revelation of Christ (chapter 1 verse 1), and gives a powerful description of God, of heaven, and of God's hatred of sin. It just makes me stand in awe of God and bow down to worship before his throne. This is not some sissy god that we are serving.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own reality. It does't matter what my circumstance is, I can get caught up in the current goings on, forgetting that there is so much more beyond my little world and my little head. Francis challenges the listener to read 3 chapters of Revelation a day, and in a week you will have finished it. I started doing that, and it has been a powerful thing already. Chapter 1 verse 3 says: Blessed is the one who read the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near." Wow. And yet so many Christians stay as far away from this book as possible, despite the promise for blessing. However, this isn't a light promise. We must take to heart that God is mighty, that God hates sin, that God sees what we do and we will answer to him.

As I read that last sentence back, it sounds like a threat. Yes, God is someone to be feared, but this book isn't just preaching hellfire and brimstone. The heavenly beings described in the book are drawn to worship him day and night. Have you ever been in a place that takes your breathe away and your heart must worship? For me it happens when I am in the mountains and see a fantastic view, or when I see the enormity of the ocean sparkling in the sun. I see these and am reminded of the God who created them, that he filled these things with a glimmer of his own beauty. My God is greater than these things, my God is more powerful than the mighty winds and waves.

God created these things to reflect his beauty, created them to worship him, and my spirit can often feel that when I gaze on nature's beauty. Yet I don't want to worship God in ignorance of who he is. That type of worship doesn't last long beyond the last notes of the worship songs, beyond the doors of the church. So often I sing in ignorance of the God I am actually worshipping. But when I read the words of Revelation, I am taught about this incredible God. I encourage you to read Revelation again or for the first time and to listen to the Francis Chan sermons I linked to above. You're missing an important piece of God without this revelation.

Elusive Bubble Gifts

Bubbles once again showed up at the place I babysit, so we had another bubble party. I love watching the three-year-old and the dog run around jumping at the bubbles and trying to eat them (the dog) or pop them by clapping them (the boy). It is so stinking cute. Today I was making tons of bubbles, then I'd watch them follow them around the yard, and then I would make some more. A number of times, both of them would follow after one bubble that was way beyond their reach when I had already made hundreds more that they hadn't turned around to see.

I started thinking that this was a sort of simile for what I do with God. I look to him for a gift, and then I set my eyes on that gift and follow it. If I looked to God, I would see that there are many other gifts waiting, I just have to keep my eyes on him. Instead I look only at one elusive gift that seems just beyond my reach and I agonize that I can't have that one.

Spiritual lessons with bubbles. Who knew?

Adele's Rolling in the Deep

Misty Blue

I love Wisconsin

I took this picture from this blog post about Wisconsin. It also has more great pictures of Wisconsin cities, foods, and more.

I live just south of Wisconsin. I love going there. I love driving in Wisconsin. It is always a gorgeous drive with rolling hills, great sunsets and moon rises, green fields, cute towns and great cities...

Wisconsin makes my heart happy. Too bad about all the fuss with teachers there lately, or I would look for a job there.

Wisconsin Potatoes

I'm not from these parts.

I am neither a city girl nor a country girl.

Folks from the country might say I am a city girl. People from the city might say I am a country girl.

I grew up in a town and have lived in suburbs and spent some time on a farm but not enough to know anything. I don't wholly identify with any one place.

I say these things to demonstrate my ignorance of both places. This weekend I was exposed to a wonderful place in central Wisconsin.

I had no idea there was such an incredible community of potato growers and small-town dwellers in central Wisconsin. I got to spend a wonderful weekend working at an event largely paid for by the Wisconsin Potato Growers. I was so blessed by the volunteers and the group of people who hosted the event. It was truly a wonderful event, made so not by the activities themselves (which were great) but by the people involved.

Stevens Point and surrounding areas, I'll not soon forget your warm welcome and loving hearts.

GMC Terrain

Today I got to go to another work event and I rented a car for the long drive. The rental place gave me a free upgrade because they didn't have any small cars in stock. Oh, ok, sounds good to me! It turns out I got a really nice car. Apparently it gets good gas mileage, although I didn't analyze that. About 27 miles to the gallon they told me, which doesn't hold a candle to my other favorite car, the Toyota Prius, but it seems good in comparison to other SUVs...?

I loved driving this GMC Terrain and was so sad to give it back after a long, luxurious weekend of driving!

Before We Turn To Stone

To Love You More

Turning Tables

Fruits and Vegetables

After sitting in traffic while coming home from a full day of work, feeding and walking some hungry dogs, and taking care of some plants while it was still daylight, it was time to make myself a nutritious meal of Macaroni and Cheese. Mmm! Ok, so it isn't that nutritious, but after I ate, I spent a good chunk of time cutting up some fruits and veggies that I had from my garden or that I had bought at the store and just shoved into the fridge. I LOVE fresh fruits and vegetables, and I LOVE growing them in my garden! I want to live in a place where I can grow lots of yummy things. The town I wanted to live in in Bolivia (which I might go back to one day) was the "California" of Bolivia. Orchards everywhere, temperate weather, and wonderful opportunities to grow some fantastic foods right in your yard! Hmm, this is making me hungry. I think I am going to go and eat some more of those watermelons, strawberries, sugar peas, green beans, peppers, and more...

Worship and Nap Time

Have you ever been with a child who desperately needs a nap? What might have been the slightest annoyance is now the end of the world. Tantrums. Screaming. The things once beloved are now terrible. The world is out to get you. Nothing is fair. Nothing can solve this except a nap.

I was thinking about this today as I sat in church feeling so filled up. I often feel like that tantrum-throwing child in my day-to-day life. I don't throw myself down on the floor and scream, but sometimes I feel like doing that. I snap at people. I feel tired and overworked and under-appreciated. Nothing satisfies me. And then I come to church and think, "Oh duh, of course! What I really needed was to worship Christ, to hear God's word, to be with other believers who are also trying to follow God, those who set an example for me in how to live in between Sundays. Of course nothing else would satisfy me or give me this feeling of sweet rest."

I love my church. It allows me to meet with God and be refreshed. I feel really privileged to be in a church that does that. I need to be more conscientious about spending time in worship during the week to avoid all these adult-tantrums!

This is the song that was being sung as I walked into church my very first visit there. I had never heard the song before, and I found that the words stop me in my tracks. We haven't sung it in a long time, but today, just when I needed to hear these sweet words again, it showed up.

(Note: This is not my church in the video.)

All I Have Is Christ


I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way.
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave.
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will.
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still.

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross.
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose.
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You.

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI), by Jordan Kauflin

Painting and Skyping

Today I got to paint a garage with new friends and spend 2.5 hours on Skype with a dear "old" friend. She's not old, but I've known her a lot longer than most of the people I am around in my new town. It was so so SO refreshing to get to work with my hands and then relax with a friend. I LOVE Skype!

New Job

Today I start a new job. This one is just for a month. I am dogsitting for some friends/sort of family members. (Is a sister-in-law's family considered family? I consider them so.) I get to live at their house and love their dogs for awhile. The bigger dog has really calmed down since last year. She is only 2, so I was expecting her to still be puppy-like. They also have a very old toy poodle. It is an adventure to squeeze the dogs' schedule into everything that is going on, but I am grateful for the opportunity!

Craziest of Crazy Times? & Answered Prayers

10 days ago I was between semesters and bored. I can't even imagine that feeling right now. I am exhausted and amazed at how much has squeezed into the last week and a half. More craziness to come, I know. After a subdued Spring, I think this crazy time is good preparation for student teaching in the fall, my first years teaching, eventually trying to have a family...

I will go back and post more about the craziness of the past days. For today, though, I just want to recognize the beauty of answered prayers. I prayed that our home would be a place to offer hospitality to others. It has been a random stopping ground for a few people this week who met with an unexpected need for a place to be. I prayed that I would be able to make more connections. In the past few weeks I have met at least 10 new people in the area and the aftermath of a big storm brought us closer together. I prayed for a ministry I could be a part of, and one fell into my lap. When I first heard about it, I knew that was for me.

There has been bad stuff mixed in with the good, hard stuff mixed in with the easy. I am thankful for those things, too, because while the good things are fun, it has been the harder stuff that has led me to some tender places with God, family, and friends.

Game Night

I started this new thing this week. There are some international students living nearby who are here to work at our local theme park. Their life at work is difficult, but they are stuck in a motel when they are off work. I came across a ministry that is trying to make life a little bit more fun for them, create relationships, and introduce them to Christ. Many of them come from communist countries, so their impression of Christianity seems to be either negative or non-existent.

We have a game night on Wednesday nights that I get to be a part of. It was fun to meet some of them and hang out. I felt like I was back in college again, as my friends used to gather to play games on many nights. Fun, cheap, and a great way to hang out with friends. I'm excited for the coming Wednesdays!

Playing with a baby

Our power and air conditioning are back on, just in time for the latest midwest heat wave. My friends down the road are not so lucky. So today I got the chance to play with a two month old while he and his mother cooled off in our house. What a fun little blessing!

10-minute storm

When I opened my garage door this morning, I was expecting it to be another hot, dry day, as have been the last 30-60 days. It's summer. That's what happens. But there were dark purple/blue clouds in the sky. I thought it would probably rain, but maybe it would just blow by.

By the time I got to the end of my neighborhood, large raindrops and small branches were falling on my car. 2 miles later, I could barely see as the wind swept blankets of rain over my car. I pulled into work in the middle of a torrential storm that only lasted 10-30 minutes. Not long.

The first sign of damage was in the backyard of the house were I babysit. The very heavy table had been knocked over and upside down, and their heavy-duty wooden playhouse, which I couldn't have moved by my own strength, had blown across the yard and shattered into splintery wood pieces. At my house, our glass-topped table was shattered. Thousands of trees were torn apart or uprooted completely. There was damage at every yard. We were without power for the whole day, but some people were out for almost a week (I'm posting this a week later).

Yet just like when we had our blizzard a few months back, this storm did a lot of damage physically yet had a very unifying power over the neighbors. People joined together to help move branches, cut hanging limbs down, pile up the debris. People without electricity started spending time with people who's electricity had come back on. Blessings through the storm.

Family Reunion

I was a super shy kid around certain people. It takes me a long time to warm up to people sometimes. I wish I wasn't like that. I wish I could just embrace people right away and just pour out love for new people. But sometimes that is hard for me. I long to see people more as Christ sees them, needing love and grace, and created so specially by a loving God.

I have always been at my shyest around family members. Not my brothers or parents, but cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins, etc. So you can imagine that family reunions were not very fun for me.

This weekend I came down to central Illinois for a family reunion. I came mostly to see my great aunt (see this post about that), not really wanting to explain where I am at in life to all of my mothers' cousins. Wrong perspective, I know.

You can imagine my surprise when I found that my family members are actually wonderful people! Ha, I can't even believe I am writing this. Of course they are wonderful people! Of course they love me and I love them. Of course it is really good to see them and talk with them and learn about them. What in the world am I so afraid of or shy about?

It was a real blessing this weekend to be with my extended family and to see some people that I only see at these reunions and other people that I see more often but not lately due to school and work.

Family. Who knew it could be such a beautiful thing?

Spirit to Spirit Goodbyes

When we walked in, I thought we had the wrong room. Neither one of these two ladies were my aunt. On closer examination, I could see that this woman looked a bit like my aunt, maybe she could be my aunt's mother, but surely not my aunt. A shell, a weak and deteriorated body housing just the spirit of what once was. Thin, so thin. Straight, white hair where my aunt always had permed, brownish-gray hair. Erratic breathing, the only sign of life as she slept. There is something about this eminent death, something about sitting with her, reading a very relevant Bible, that heightens my awareness of life, the precarious and fragile spirit living in us. Alarms go off, the woman in the next bed bangs a spoon over and over, people go in and out, back and forth past the open door. There is no privacy here, and it feels like there is no dignity. But there is hope in the resurrection here. There is a truth to the Bible's psalms, cries for help, promises of forgiveness, proclamation of our weakness and God's strength.

My aunt was basically deaf for the past few years. I remember visiting her with my mother and my grandpa, who also struggles with hearing. My mom would stand in the middle of the two and "translate" by yelling what one said to the other, as neither my aunt or grandpa could speak loudly anymore either.

But now I sit reading the Bible to my sleeping, perhaps comatose aunt, and I am not yellling. I know that she cannot physically hear me. I know that this isn't for the benefit of her body that I read, but for the very much alive spirit living in her. And so I read and I read, flipping through the epistles and Revelation and then the Psalms. Wow, I never realized how many of the things I have underlined in the Bible apply to this precariousness-of-life situation. (On second thought, of course it all applies to the precariousness of life, and that is in fact the purpose of the Bible, but I often read it with a hardened heart, feeling immortal and disconnected. I needed this little wake-up call.) My spirit reads to hers. My spirit connects in a way that we no longer can connect physically. Her spirit comforts mine. Instead of feeling useless because I know she can't hear me, this feels like one of the best times we have ever spent together as our spirits commune.

I sit here and think about my aunt, the ferocious personality she had. I was so afraid of her as a child, but felt such a bond with her as an adult. Day turns to night. She sleeps on. I kiss her hand. It's time to say goodbye, but I cannot bring myself to walk away. I sit and talk to her, giving her permission to go, which I suppose is really just my way of saying goodbye. She surely doesn't need my permission. I kiss her hand and say goodbye again, but still I linger. I thank her for who she was, who she is, for serving countless children through a lifetime of teaching. For loving her many nieces and nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews, and even the ever-growing number of great-great-nieces and great-great-nephews. I am like her in so many ways. Single, childless, yet loving children and wanting a lifetime to teach. Stubborn (but then again, that describes most of my family). Maybe a little fearsome at first, but really desiring to be a loving person once we come out of our initial shell.

Goodbye Aunt Hermine. I will miss you. But I'll see you again in Heaven.

(Aunt Hermine died on Tuesday night, three days after I visited. I am so glad I was able to go when I did.)

Oreo Cookies and Cream No Bake Cheesecake!

http://www.bakersroyale.com/cheesecake/oreo-cookies-and-cream-no-bake-cheesecake/

WHOA! Click on the link for the recipe for this delish!

7 Stages of Grief

So You Think You Can Dance, Top 7 Guys, July 6, 2011


*No Copyright Infringement Intended*
So You Think You Can Dance - S08E12
Song:
Damien Rice - Prague

A Genius' Wish

"These are the times in which genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life or the repose of a pacific station that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised and animated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman."

-Abigail Adams, to her son John Quincy Adams, as quoted in David McCullough's "Knowing History and Knowing Who We Are"

Doing What It Was Meant To Do

In regards to this blog, I seem to have one persistent question rolling through my head: "Should I keep doing it?" Then I think about the excuse that is foremost in my mind, prompting today's repetition of the question. But I am not enhancing my writing by writing it. But nobody cares anyway. But it takes time. But I don't need one more thing on my to-do list. Then I always (and quickly) come back to the same reason to continue writing it: it is changing me.

It is true that I wanted to write this more for working on my writing than to actually re-mold my thought processes and perception of beauty. But I did want that to be a result of the blog as well. I also thought it would be cool to have a secret, anonymous blog and to see how many people actually would read it.

As I have added my posts, I have cared much less about my writing skills and MUCH less about seeing if anyone was reading it than I thought I would. That's not what this is about for me anymore. Now it is about noticing the beautiful things in my life and appreciating them. Now this is about continuing to train my mind to focus on the beautiful moments in life and to find beauty where I wouldn't have noticed before.

As I mentioned on Sunday's post, there were many things that were beautiful to me that day. My heart was in a raw and weary state, and I craved connection, beauty, reassurance, and grace. That is what I got. Then yesterday, Monday, I had a rough day and once again needed someone to speak God's peace to me. I found myself wishing it were Saturday night so that I could have my Sunday fix of study, worship, fellowship, and accountability. But it was only Monday...

Today I had a few things to do, but when I woke up I had no idea what kind of day it would be. It ended up being another rejuvenating and just-what-I-needed kind of day.

Beauty #1: My friend called just as I was leaving my house and we had a nice catch-up talk. Every time I am with her I enjoy myself. She has a way of making people feel welcomed. She helps you feel like you are an important part of her day.

Beauty #2: I had to go to a hotel to meet a contact for a new ministry. The woman I met at the hotel was so friendly and helpful. She will make sure everything I need is available or gets done. She will offer me a meeting space and help me spread the word about what we are doing. We just met today. Wow.

Beauty #3: I have been trying to coordinate something for three months, and for awhile I didn't think it would work out. Today I was finally able to do what I had set out to do, and it was so good.

Beauty #4: I met another woman through a friend. She is a grandmother, a great-grandmother in fact, the kind you picture when you think of sweet, friendly grandmothers. I know she has her shortcomings, but today all I saw was the embodiment of beauty. I sat at her kitchen table and talked like we had known each other for quite awhile. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back, it felt just like I was talking with my own grandmother, who passed away 8 years ago. No wonder I felt so at home with her. I can't wait to go back and visit with her again.

Beauty #5: I had my favorite kind of smoothie for lunch and then got to spend time watering all of my plants, which is one of my favorite summer activities. I love to spend time looking at each plant and marveling at how fast (or slow) it has grown, and find out what kind of care it needs (weeding, more water, etc).

Beauty #6: I met with the couple that hired me to dogsit this summer. I did this last year as well, so I felt comfortable going into their home and getting a refresher on the dog details. It was also fun to see the dogs again and catch up with this couple. I am eager to enjoy these dogs again this summer, and they blessed me with some payment up front. I totally wasn't expecting that little blessing.

Beauty #7: I started a new class tonight. Two nights a week for five weeks. Methods for teaching social studies. It could be completely awful. I mean, who liked social studies as a kid? Not many of us would say that they did. But the teacher is a real enthusiast and has a ton of experience being that Jaime Escalante-type teacher. She did three things tonight that I have never in this program or my undergrad experienced. She engaged us all in talking about ourselves and what brought us to this career-change program. Not just the "tell me your name and a fun fact about you" but actually helping us to learn about where each other is at in life. Then she gave us a break but gave us an article to read over break. No one has ever usurped my break like that at school, and it actually worked really well. I didn't feel cheated out of a break, I didn't feel pressure to read this article for homework or during class, and it was a really good article. Third was that she kept us until 8:30 and I didn't even notice the time flying by. In the past teachers have tried to keep us the full three hours but we just tune out by the end and complain about the teacher later. Not tonight. She was engaging. She was contagiously excited about the topic. And I didn't notice the time flying by for the first time ever.

Beauty #8 A girl in my class needed a ride to the train. I happen to live next to the train, so it only made sense to take her. We got a chance to talk a little bit, and it sounds like her background is completely different than mine, yet we have a lot in common. I really like her and I am excited to get to know her more. If I hadn't gotten to drive her, I don't think I would have ever talked to her about our lives. She is so sweet, and I feel like I have so much to learn from her. People in class were saying how nice I was to give her a ride. If they only knew. I am the one who has been so blessed today. I am just so thankful for the surprise blessings of beauty that floated into my life today.

Going back to the way I began this blog, I don't think today would have been anything more than a good day without this blog. I would have felt good at the end of it, but I don't think I would have recognized the beauty that I got to experience. I don't think I would have appreciated the tender hearts of the people I met or the blessings that arrived just when I needed them after feeling down yesterday. What a gift this blog has been to me.

Fireworks and Festivities

I am copying this picture from here.

I went to a fireworks show on July 2nd, saw them from my house on July 3rd, and went to another show on July 4th. It has been a festive weekend. I wanted to post a picture of fireworks, but looking through some google image pictures, I realized that they all seemed very beautiful but weird to me. Fireworks don't stay in one place like that. They appear and they dazzle and then they are gone. I would say that fireworks are definitely something that can't be captured in their true essence in a picture. While the pictures are incredible, they don't capture the summer heat, the immediacy of the fireworks, the mosquitoes, the loud body-shaking bangs and the high-pitched shrieks of the fireworks as they shoot into the air. The picture I used is one I like because it feels like you are right under the fireworks, just like my experience tonight and last year as I sat almost directly under the fireworks. Last year we were both watching the fireworks and watching the little pieces coming down all around us. This year there weren't so many ashes falling.

Today I went on a flag-hunt wagon walk with my kiddos. They waved their flags singing their toddler rendition of "Wavin' Flag" by K'Naan. Super cute. We played in the water fountain and played with our flags and had a grand old time. How do you explain the concept of a country to little ones? And how do you explain that a place has a birthday? I didn't go into the details because they were happy waving their little flags obliviously. But someday I want to explain more about this nation.

Beauty's all around

Today's little moments:
-seeing a friend use his spiritual gifts to lead others
-meeting a mostly blind/mostly deaf woman who proclaimed beauty in her life and therefore beauty existed
-sitting by two friends while worshipping Christ
-a sermon that addressed EXACTLY what I have been struggling with for the past couple months
-meeting two new friends with common interests in ministry for Swedish lunch
-an afternoon focused on Christ and the gifts he gave to me
-watching videos of my dear friends across the country, feeling as though we were in the same room again
-time to curl up amidst my pillows and read a good book
-a chance to test out my knee injury and realize it isn't ready yet to run, but my mind is still in a runner's mindset
-the most open, loving, and full-of-grace conversation I have had in months
-watching one of my favorite books as a movie
-a surprise fireworks show, the high ones viewable from our upstairs windows

There was a lot of beauty today, amidst a lot of inner struggle. Yesterday was one of those days where things seem final and fatal and I forget how fleeting these days are. Yesterday I carried the world on my shoulders. Today I left my house for church in a cruel huff, asking God for forgiveness and grace even before 8:30 am. And God not only offered me some incredible grace today, but also showered me with reminders of his love and provision. It was a truly beautiful day.

When they're the hardest

Talking about children:

When they're the most difficult, when they're the hardest is when they need you the most.

-Diane Sawyer's Paraphrase of Jennifer Garner's mother's advice

Riding my Bike

I love riding my bike. It makes me feel like a kid again. I love the wind blowing through my helmet and feeling the direct correlation between effort and speed. I haven't been riding this summer yet except once to check out how it made it through the winter and then today. I decided to take a month off of exercises that involve repetitive knee action, and that month is almost over, so I snuck in a leisurely bike ride to the library. My knee does hurt again after the ride, but it sure was fun! I love riding my bike and I can't wait to do more of it. I think I should probably just put off dealing with this nagging knee (or "knee knuckle" as my favorite 2.5 year old says!) until winter.