Breaking those chains

I have been feeling quite chained to my computer lately. It feels like I sit on a chair and stare at a screen for hours. I am constantly dealing with emails, most of which are junk or don't really apply to me. Excel, Word, PowerPoint, Blogger, Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail, Hotmail, Blackboard, school account, work account, fun account, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...

I was ready for a computer free day on Wednesday, but since I am still working on an online class, I decided to wait until the weekend. I made it a computer free weekend by not taking my computer with me on my weekend work trip and not using the hotel computer or my coworkers' computers. The only computer I used was for our sales table, and I only used it two brief times because of work responsibilities.

Although Monday's inbox waits, I must say my computer free weekend was a great break. I went outside, enjoyed the warmth of the sun and the new spring flowers. I talked to people face to face and took advantage of utilizing nonverbals again instead of just reading black and white text. Beautiful. I am going to do this again asap.

Let's Skype

Long phone conversations with good friends.

We don't live close enough to share in our daily lives anymore, but Skype allows us to share a cup of tea, see each other, and talk almost like we were together.

Today I am so thankful for the surprise gift of getting to chat with two great friends.

Track Meet memories and lessons

I stopped by a track meet on my way to class tonight. (This video is from youtube, not from the track meet I went to.) It was the only one left in the track season that was nearby, so I wanted to see if I could catch a race or two as I prepare for my own marathon in a few days.

It was really cool to be back in the track meet atmosphere. It was cold, wet, and windy enough to be blowing over some of the teams' tents. The athletes were bundled up until just before race time. I had forgotten about these days. These are among my fondest high school memories, when all of the people I had trained so hard with come together to do the best they can do, regardless of their events. This is where I made so many new friends when I moved to a new high school, and this is where I learned a lot about myself in my final months of high school.

I learned that I am my own biggest competitor. I don't really get competitive in much, I usually just want to play a game to have fun and be with other people. It drives my competitive friends nuts, and then I get mad when they play for blood and I just want to be their friends. This trend makes me wary about engaging in competitive things and very picky about what I will participate in.

However, I compete fiercely against myself. I always want to do better, I have always thought there is room for improvement. I have been too hard on myself, and I am just now learning about offering myself grace and room to fail.

I am finally beginning to see the beauty in failure. Failure implies that you had the guts to try to push limits. But in order to be beautiful, you have to be willing to get up and try again, to keep working, to keep striving to meet your goals.

What a fun reminder of all these things at a local high school track meet.

Sidetracked Blessings

I had a plan. When I woke up, I knew what I was going to do and I knew the general order in which I would do it. I had a plan...

But even though I am pretty good at sticking to training plans, I basically never stick to daily plans.

I went on my run in the morning. 5 minutes into the run, I rolled my ankle. It hurt at the time, but I found I could still run on it and it wasn't too bad, so I finished the next 5.5 miles *planning* on icing and elevating when I got home.

I got home and saw how badly the lawn needed mowing, and I knew it was supposed to rain all week. In other words, my overgrown lawn would turn into a jungle if I didn't mow today. Why not? I thought? I like mowing...

So I went out to mow the lawn. Which of course meant that we needed to replenish the gas and oil, since it was the first time using the mower since last fall. Then I needed to pick up all the sticks because we aren't planning on sharpening our mower's blades this year so we didn't want to ruin them on sticks...luckily I had help with all these side projects, and I was quickly on my way to mowing the lawn.

Then my neighbor saw me mowing and came over and told me she had a bunch of clothes she was getting rid of and would I like first dibs on them? Uh...YES! Absolutely, 100% YES! So I showered and went to her house to receive the hugest blessing ever, a lot of clothes that will be great for my upcoming job.

Then, late in the afternoon, I sort of began to put my original plan into action, but after such a fun and surprising day, I didn't really care to sit still, do homework, and ice my barely-sore foot.

It was such a great day, with a lot of interactions and activities that I hadn't planned for. But I am learning that the biggest blessings in life often aren't planned, and try as I may, I can't really plan things anyway.

I can't give up planning, because our lives call for that these days. But I can plan with flexibility and encounter those sidetracks with joy, searching for the beauty in the unplanned.

The friendliest person you'll meet.

I go to a school once a week to volunteer during the language arts time. Even though that may sound selfless, it is actually a selfish thing, so don't be too impressed. I thought it would be wise to get more experience in the classroom, since I am going to be a teacher and I don't have much experience in public schools or in classes older than preschool.

I love the school I go to, and I love the teachers I work with. I enjoy the students, and I love learning about teaching and interacting on this level.

I also love the school's secretary. She is incredible. She is one of the nicest people I have ever encountered in this position. In fact, I find myself comparing all of the receptionists and secretaries that I meet with her. They're never as nice, never as welcoming. This comparison just isn't fair. It's hard to compete with Debi. She makes you glad you came, she makes you feel comfortable even if you don't know what you are doing or where you are going, and she is just plain nice to people.

We need more people like Debi Schaffer.

My Favorite Part of Last Tuesday

I'm still thinking about my time at Les Mis last week. I loved so much of it. It was incredible. I think this song was my favorite as far as the ones the girls sang. I thought Betsy Morgan did a great job. This video is just her singing her song, it is not recorded from the actual showing of Les Mis.

As far as the guy singers go, wow. I will probably feature one of them later. They were incredible too...

Celebrating Amidst Life's Junk

Jeremiah 31:3-6 (CEV)
Some time ago, the LORD appeared to me and told me to say: Israel, I will always love you; that's why I've been so patient and kind. You are precious to me, and so I will rebuild your nation. Once again you will dance for joy and play your tambourines. You will plant vineyards on the hills of Samaria and enjoy the grapes. Someday those who guard the hill country of Ephraim will shout, "Let's go to Zion and worship the LORD our God."

Holiday celebrations don't erase the junk in life. You can't always just walk onto the set of a holiday gathering, turn off regular life and turn on the family-ready face of perfect life. Sometimes holidays can be ignored in times of trouble, sometimes regular days can turn into holidays in times of joy. But a celebration isn't meant to stand apart from real life.

Holiday celebrations don't erase the junk in life. Accept this one's entire purpose is just that. Easter. Easter is actually not about rabbits, colorful eggs, or chocolate. I don't know if you knew that. Easter is about celebrating the resurrection of Christ Jesus. And he died and rose in order to conquer our sins, to receive the punishment that we deserve so that we can be fully forgiven. So for this one holiday, I'm okay with celebrating amidst the junk of life. I'm not going to pretend that all is well, that I have life under control, that I don't need saving.

Again there will be joy. I will dance again. That's the point.

Lived or Unlived

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live."
— Natalie Babbitt (Tuck Everlasting)

Vivid Green

Picture taken from: Marc Adamus

The fog settles low over the exuberantly green meadows. Spring has emerged with a shy yet shocking beauty. Green grass and new green buds on trees glow against the encompassing mist. The gray sky contrasts with the wet, new foliage, trying to steal it from view, but instead enhancing the contrast and magnifying each glorious detail. The world is shimmering. Images of exotic, far off places come to mind. New Zealand. England. Ireland. Lord of the Rings. Movie sets. And yet, here I am in the place I call home. This is real. This is tangible. This is a new side of my own backyard.

An Ultimate Beauty

In every good story there is an arc. In every well-developed character there is growth. There must be something that draws you to a story, something that not only keeps your attention, but captures your heart. What is it about that story that you can relate with? What do you see in that character that you see in yourself? Relatable flaws in characters make triumph and positive change a personal possibility.
I like a lot of stories. I read stories in books and magazines. I watch stories on television and movies. I listen to stories in songs and jokes. There are so many I like. There are even many I love. But some go even beyond that. I am so completely riveted by some stories that I lose myself in the tale. And at the same time that I am losing myself, I am also seeing myself more clearly than ever before. There is a magic about such stories that is difficult to describe. The stories that capture me reveal to me a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. They draw me in, convict me of the problems that I face and convince me of the power and potential for change.
Every so often I get a glimpse of this. This, in many senses, is my whole point in having this blog: the journey of finding more of these moments and stories, the challenge of seeing the rawness of life and accepting the vulnerability that precedes change. These stories, the realization, the inspiration to grow… for me, this is an ultimate beauty.

Going Back

Picture taken from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/frogmanor/480977834/

Today I am on my way back to a place I've called mine for my whole life. Over the river...through the fields...

Les Miserables

It's here, it's here, it's finally here!

April 19th, a day I have been looking forward to for months! My mom gave my sister-in-law and I tickets to see Les Miserables for our birthdays, and today is the day! I am so excited. I have never seen the show, but I have had the music memorized for years and years. I have had the CD and the piano music since I was a kid, and you can often find me singing the songs in the shower or in my car.

One of the things I love about seeing plays is the feeling they inspire in me. There is a certain feeling one gets when hearing or seeing stories, when seeing people doing something so well, when hearing singers who are so talented, when seeing those relationships form onstage, even though they are scripted. I can't really describe it, but I love it nonetheless.

Les Mis, here I come!

What a Difference a Day Makes

Last night my world looked like this.

When I opened my shades this morning, I'd been transported back in time a few months.

But don't worry, after only a few hours, almost all of it has melted away again.

Spring...where are you? I hope you come in full force soon!

But it sure was a wonderful surprise to wake up and see the blanket of snow on all the tree branches again. That fresh, quiet, morning blanket of snow is my favorite part of winter.

Generosity

Picture take from: http://middlezonemusings.com/2300/wilf-generosity-of-others/

I have been so blessed through my life by the generosity of others. I am not one who can claim to be independent, nor will I ever think that I got where I am by my own solitary efforts.

It is through the generosity of others that I have been able to follow my dreams in my adult life. When I think of generosity, I especially remember my two years on the road, living out of a van in the daytime and in the homes of strangers at night. What a weird thing to describe, but it was such a blessing to me that so many people would open their homes to my group, would feed us and bless us in so many ways.

The word "generosity" also brings to mind the people I have met while overseas. It is often those who have less than I do who bless me the most. It is the generous gift of their time, of their lives, or their friendships that has meant so much to me. I have met many people living in the "Majority World" who have so few possessions, yet have offered me whatever they have, both tangible and intangible.

I saw a woman I met in February again this weekend. She didn't know she would see me, nor I her. After talking, she pointed us to the nearby bookstore and told us to go grab whatever we wanted, it was on her. Wow. I don't think I have ever extended such a generous offer. Her generosity was in her attitude, as well, as she didn't do this to be thanked, hoping we would each pick one small item. No, she wanted us to go home blessed, and she loaded us up with items that would not only provide us with listening and reading entertainment, but would also encourage us in our walk with Christ. Her generosity reminded me of the many generous people I have come into contact with in the last few years. She reminded me of how blessed I am and have been.

College Friends

Today I got to work alongside two college seniors. They know each other well, have that aura of friendship that I think only college or being on sports teams can give. They decided to hang around the church all day and help us in the warehouse. Oh, man, were they helpful. They learned the ropes quickly and took over doing the things that sometimes suck up my time. I was then able to have more conversations, do a lot of little things in preparation for cleanup, step out to get a cookie ;-), and just enjoy the day at a little bit of a slower pace than normal. I didn't feel like I was running around like crazy because I knew that they were taking care of such a big task. Not only were they helpful, but they were also really fun to be around. Jake and Caitlin, you guys were awesome!

The Long Awaited Day

I am so blessed in my job to be a part of the culmination of months or years of planning. People somehow get involved with hosting events, whether they volunteered at someone else's event and decided to have their own, or maybe they got on board with someone else to plan, sometimes not even knowing what an event is or how it is run. Sometimes people plan for years, advocating for the cause, trying to fundraise, searching for volunteers...it can be a big process. It is definitely a process that requires faith. It also requires a lot of delegation and trusting in the staff that will come to lead the event.

Today I met two couples who had been pivotal in bringing our organization to the church. I really liked what they had to say. They know that sending food overseas isn't the most sustainable option, nor the best way to do development. Their long term vision is on sustainable options, working with communities, helping them to find longterm solutions that meet their needs. However, these two couples also recognize the importance of increasing the awareness of global issues among people in the United States and getting people here on board with global solutions. While we should not infiltrate other countries and force American solutions on them, it is important to develop relationships, learn from each other, and live our daily lives aware of our own strengths and weaknesses and aware of things that are going on globally, things like starvation, denial of basic human rights, unjust deprivations, etc.

These two couples, with all these things in mind, came humbly to our event today. One couple had moved away and had eagerly made the long trip back to the church to see the event through to completion. The wife told me with tears in her eyes that she just loves being at these events, loves seeing how people come together and work as a community to serve God, loves the atmosphere at these events. I love these things as well. She told me that she has been trying to serve God and his people for years, but she has come to realize something: as much as she tries to bless others, she always finds herself more blessed. She just can't outdo God's blessings. I love that, because I have seen it to be true in my own life. When I am serving myself, I begin to feel empty and meaningless, but as I seek to serve God and his people, I always find myself to be the one who walks away blessed. God has a way of multiplying blessings, multiplying love, blessing those on both ends of the acts...

I hope these two couples who put so much work into this event walk away from it blessed, because I was blessed to work alongside them today.

Surprise Gifts

Today is not my birthday. It isn't even my half birthday. Today is a mostly normal day. I had my longest run ever scheduled, which I completed successfully. Then I needed to do the normal post-longrun things, like eat, take an ice bath, and stretch. I had class tonight, and I am going out of town tomorrow, so I had some packing to do and some class prep. The day filled up quickly, and I wasn't able to do some of the things that my mom asked me last night if I could do with her.

Today, however, she surprised me. She said that she needed ten minutes of my time, and told me that she and my dad had decided to buy me a special running watch. They had been in contact with a friend of mine to find out what kind of watch it was that I had wanted, and they were prepared to order it for me. So we spent some time finding it and ordering it online. I have wanted this watch for almost a year now, but it was a luxury I didn't need to spend that much money on. I had a perfectly good running watch and could map out my runs on googlemaps so that I new how far I was going...

What a beautiful surprise, an incredible out-of-nowhere gift. I am so super-duper excited to get it and play with it. This is a Garmin 405 watch which tracks my distance, pace, time, heartrate, and more. It will be awesome to know my pace, to hear a beep when I complete a mile, and to know exactly how far I have gone and how much I have left to run.

Yes, it is a luxury. No, I don't NEED it. But I am blown away by the generous gift (it isn't cheap). Thanks mom and dad!

Springtime Sun

Picture taken from here.

Absolutely loving this spring weather!

You have to convince yourself

I'm trading "No" and "I can't" for "Yes" and "I can". - Hannah, on the Biggest Loser

Today I have seen people who have changed their lives on multiple television shows. I have encountered people who believe in themselves and are in a confident place in life. Today I have also interacted with people who are hurting and unsure and unable to see a possibility for change.

I want to tell those who are hurting that they are capable of changing their outlook, they are beautiful, they are worthy, they are valuable. And I can say these things to them, and I have tried, but I realize that they can't hear me yet. There must be a change from within, there must be a decision to believe in oneself, a decision to trust that God knew what he was doing when he created you, a decision to listen to God's truth instead of Satan's lies.

I believe that I am capable, beautiful, valuable, and strong when I am running, when I set goals for myself and achieve them. A tangible reminder of my physical abilities while I am doing something that restores sanity and peace. A rhythmic pounding of my feet against the pavement...believe in yourself...

Summer's Coming...

Picture taken from photobucket

A place I'd love to be

Picture taken from photobucket.com

Signs of Spring!

Our first blooms!

Almost there!

Found these guys today!

This one's my favorite. Any guesses as to what it is?

RASPBERRIES!!!

You Love Me Anyway

I have been feeling kind of down on myself this week, as I mentioned in the Confidence/Competence post. Today I gave a presentation in class, and it went well, and I enjoyed seeing some of my friends in that class again, but the unhappiness with myself still seeped in and negatively affected me this morning. As I got in the car, I turned off my CD and turned on the radio, and this song came on. I don't know if I've ever heard it before today, but God's grace and love shouted out to me through it. I really like the bridge. I have compared myself to the people who crucified Jesus, but I am not sure I've ever compared myself to the nails and the thorns and the kiss and the sweat before. Very interesting to think about, especially couched in this loud reminder of his love.


You Love Me Anyway, Sidewalk Prophets

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took all of my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking
ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
Yes and alone in the night, I still called out to You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
Yes You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
Yes, yes You love me, Yes You love me
Yes You love me, Yes You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

Beauty and Character

Beauty has a lot to do with character. -Kevyn Aucoin

At the end of the day, I must acknowledge that character is the essence of beauty. In the end, a striking physical beauty will not long cover a lack of integrity of character, nor will bad character ever enhance or endorse beauty. However, good character can create beauty out of even the most unlikely of things.

Confidence/Competence

I have been lacking in confidence lately. Today I realized that it isn't just in one area that I lack confidence, but across the board. Current job. Schooling. Future job. Running. Relationships. Personality...That alerts me to the fact that I have been unconsciously listening to some of Satan's lies telling me I am not good enough. Two reminders have come my way about this topic. One is just silly, but it sure has stuck in my head and caused me to do a little bit of singing and dancing, and the other is God's truth for me.

Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant - not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
-2 Corinthians 3:4-6

I am not competent, nor should I be confident, in myself, but in God and in what He is able to do in me and through me. It isn't about my own skills and abilities, but His. So even though this reminder doesn't make me feel much more confident, it sure does bring me peace in knowing that God is able to do what he wants to do through me. That's competence enough for me.

Here's the second reminder that's been stuck cycling through my head. (There weren't any video clips of the movie version, but you can picture it...)

Fix Me Jesus, Dwana Smallwood

International travel, exploration, and interdependence

Picture taken from: travelmaestro.wordpress.com

Feet. Bicycles. Motorcycles. Cars. Trucks. Semis. Skis. Dogsleds. Helicopters. Planes. Jets. Rockets. Blimps. Hot Air Balloons. Trains. Trams. Buses. Subways. Taxis. Horse-drawn buggies. Boats. Ships. Jet-skis. Submarines. Tanks.

We have found all sorts of ways to get from one place to the next. It is a beautiful thing because we as individuals are more aware and we as nations are more dependent. However, having access to so many regions isn't something we should exploit without wisdom and consideration for others. Let's be mindful of our impact on others and their societies. Are you actions endangering others? Are your comforts enslaving others? From a glance, these things never seem to be the case. But take a deeper look. Stand up for the rights of others as loudly as you stand up for your own.

Beaches

This photo of Fort Lauderdale is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Waves hit the battered sand, wind twists your hair, feet sink into cushy sand, sun warms your shoulders.

There is a promise in the waves' crash, in the gulls' cry, in the laughter of beachgoers.

Summer is on its way.

Prison Ministry

I had the privilege of working alongside a man who is deeply committed to prison ministry. He has a heart for people in prison and he regularly goes to share with them. He loves Jesus and he loves being a sort of bridge between the inmates and God. He asked me if I knew the occupation of the very last man that Jesus spoke to before he died? A thief. And he welcomed that thief into heaven because he believed in Jesus. What a powerful message for those who have faltered. We have all faltered. Whether we have committed crimes, torn apart relationships, hurt others by oversight or selfishness, or commit sins that no one knows of, we have all sinned. And yet, despite our sin, Jesus loves us so much that he would die on the cross. For you, for me, for people who have committed terrible crimes. He loves us all. What incredible grace Jesus shows to us, and what a privilege to meet Mendel.

Exploration and Experience

In wisdom gathered over time I have found that every experience is a form of exploration. - Ansel Adams

I have done a lot of exploration in my life, but I don't feel very experienced. Or sometimes I feel somewhat experienced, but I don't appreciate the opportunities to explore. But looking back at my time overseas, my time traveling, my time in various jobs and vacations and outings and relationships, I do see how each experience was in some way an exploration. Exploration doesn't always have to be linked to actual places, but can include exploration of the soul, of character, of faith, of anything that helps you better understand yourself, others, the world, and your impact on these things.