Even the Corners

Imagine we are a square candle, and God is fire and light.  The candle wick is lit when we worship him, spend time with him, allow him to come in and affect our lives.  At first, the candle is largely unaffected.

Little by little, the wax around the wick begins to melt.  This changes us, the candle, and it also reveals our imperfections.

If the candle is blown out, the candle returns to its original state.  Perhaps it is a tiny bit affected, a ring around the wick showing where the candle wax once melted, then hardened again.  When we just allow God into one part of our lives, when we just reserve that communication to holidays, or maybe once a month, God's presence affects us, but we limit the impact he can make. 

Even when we spend time with God for two hours on a Sunday morning, the circle of wax may have an influence, but I have seen in my life how the wax in the corners is never affected.  There are corners of my life that are off-limits, hidden (or at least I try to hide them, nothing is hidden from God, but he does not force his way into the areas I try to keep from him).  The wax in the corners remains.

When we keep the candle burning, when we spend time with God regularly, daily, when we worship, when we seek him, when we practice being silent before him, when we practice bringing our burdens to him, the candle continues to be changed.  The imperfections are revealed, but they draw near to God's light, and he eventually melts them away.  Even the hidden corners of my life are touched, are changed, are pulled into God's presence. 

I've been a Sunday worshipper for a long time.  I haven't been so great about including God into my daily life though.  God spoke to my heart a month ago, saying "You MUST be silent before me."  I took that as a command.  When you hear those words, it is not an option.  I spent time trying to quiet my mind before God, getting back into the Bible, praying and studying on how to pray.  But eventually, this time with God did begin to feel like a choice again.  I do have the power to say no.  I do have the power to refuse blessing and take back those corners, shrink the circle of God's influence, and eventually blow the flame out of my life.  I do have the power to say no.  I have said no on a few occasions.  My phone is more interesting.  My sleep is too appealing.  My television schedule is too addicting.  My to-do list is too loud.  I have regretted each one of those "no's".  I have regretted it because in saying "yes" to God, I have been so blessed.  I have been overwhelmed by God himself.  Each day I must make that choice to meet with him.

What have you been choosing?

Generosity

My friends have lived in their condo for about 2 years.  A long while back, their bathroom had undergone the first half of a remodel.  Unfortunately something had happened with the walls, and the drywall needed to be redone. This bathroom issue has been hanging over their heads, as they have not had the money to fix it, and they knew it would be a big project involving new dry wall, taking off the trim and replacing it, getting new fixtures, etc.  So the bathroom, for 2 years, has looked like a construction zone.  One of those nagging stressors looming overhead.  The husband Stephen has now finished his coursework for his doctorate, so they may be moving soon, depending on jobs, increasing the need to finish this bathroom, but still no means to do so.

I picked this family up from the airport last week.  They were visiting grandma and grandpa in Texas.  I asked if I could use their bathroom before I returned home, and when my friend Katherine turned on the light, the bathroom had been completely redone. New drywall, new paint, painted trim, new handle on the toilet, new light switch plate, new lights, new sink, new counter, new cabinets, new toilet paper holders mounted onto the wall, new towel rack also mounted on the wall.  It was beautiful. 

Katherine stood there in the doorway of the bathroom in shock.  She asked me if I knew who did this.  Of course I did not.  She asked her husband, who said he did not know.  They thought about who had keys to their place.  His parents had a key, but that is who they had been visiting in Texas, so it couldn't have been them.  A neighbor a quarter-mile away had a key to come feed the cat, but she had two little girls of her own, and certainly wouldn't have had the time to do this. 

Who would have done this?  The paint they used was the same color as the office was painted, one room over.  The paint had been in the garage.  Who knew about that leftover paint?  Who would have dug around to find it?  How did they get in? Who would have done such a sacrificial thing?

Our current sermon series has been on generosity.  We have talked about God's generosity with us, about how every gift that we have comes from God (James 1:16-18).  We have talked about how our generosity brings God joy (Hebrews 13:15-16).  We have talked about how being generous allows us to "take hold of the life that is life" (1 Timothy 6:18-19).

We have been given challenges.  Make a list of 100 things for which you are thankful this week, practicing awareness of God's generosity with us.  Pray about a way in which you can use your TIME generously, in addition to that which you already do. Pray about a way in which you can use your TALENTS generously, in addition to that which you already do.  Pray about a way in which you can use your TREASURES generously, in addition to that which you already do.  How is God leading you?  Who does he want you to bless this week? 

This bathroom remodel was discovered two and a half days after the sermon about blessing others with your talents.  Is it possible that someone had the guts to say yes to God asking them to do THIS?  Is it possible that someone spent three days, three days at the requirement of dropping everything else, to do this simply to bless another?  Oh, I hope so.  I hope that it was someone from Lakeland.  And I believe that it could have been someone from Lakeland, because that is the kind of thing I have seen people from my church do.

The kicker in all this: my own attitude.  When we began this sermon series, I felt like I was in a good place.  I am fairly generous, and I enjoy sharing what I have.  But as we went on, I felt more and more selfish with my time, talents, and treasure.  Three days earlier, during that sermon about being generous with our talents, I was grudgingly telling God that I did not have the time or desire to do anything else above and beyond what I was already doing, and that should be enough for him. I found a way to cheat, saying that this thing I already had planned would have to count, because I wasn't up for doing anything else this week.  And then I happen to be witness to this beautiful moment of discovering generosity.  The fact that I was there, that was a real blessing for me as well.  Whoever did this remodel knew they were blessing Stephen and Katherine.  They didn't know they would also bless me so much.  I saw Katherine, who spends so much time blessing others, speechless, in tears, wandering around in shock, unable to fathom that someone would do this for them. 

When I tell this story, which I have done multiple times already, this is the point where I just start babbling, overwhelmed by the fact that someone would do this.  I have no good way to end this story on paper.  I see Katherine in tears.  I see my friend blessed.  I see that there is still so much good in this world.  And I see that our generosity DOES bring God joy.  And I want all of this to multiply.

You Who Never Arrived

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment.
-Rainer Maria Rilke, You Who Never Arrived (as translated by Stephen Mitchell) (1913-1914)

Josh Garrels on Love

Josh Garrels IN:5 // Love from IN:5 on Vimeo.

He Has Heard Our Cry

Hallelujah! We've been found...so praise to God on high, He has heard our cry.

The End of One Journey is the Beginning of Another

10 weeks ago I squeezed 70 days onto my 4-week dry-erase calendar. I wanted to have a visual of how much time I had left student teaching. It wasn't that I wasn't enjoying it, or just wanted it to be over, but I needed to have an end in sight, and I needed to keep an understanding that time was short (or long, depending on the day) with the students that I had.

Today I erased the last day on that calendar. Yesterday was my last day. I moved out of the classroom, took all of my lesson plans, coffee mugs, and drawings from the students home with me.

I woke up yesterday with a feeling of thankfulness. Thankful for what God has taught me, done in me, how he has sustained me through this. 16 weeks ago, when this all began, I wasn't so sure I would make it out alive! Now I can finally turn the page and reflect on what I have learned (oh wouldn't my professors be so proud that I am actually choosing to reflect after being forced to write hundreds of reflections the last two years). I am so very thankful for this experience, for my students, for my new teacher friends, for everything, good and bad, that helped shape me into the teacher that I am now, and the teacher I will continue to become.

I also woke up praying about trust. I trust God will be glorified through my life, and that matters more to me than having an easy path, knowing exactly where I will be next semester or year, knowing that I will ever get a job doing what I love...I just want him to be glorified through my life, and that is a cool feeling. I don't often have that trust in the entryway to uncertain times. Here I am, leaving a "job" (however unpaid it may have been, it was still a job), with nothing on the [visible] horizon. But I trust God. He has always been so good to me in my life, even when I was in a place I thought was horrible or never-ending or whatever the circumstance may have been.

This trust and thankfulness was even more surprising to me because on Thursday I had an interview that I thought I blew. The second I walked out the door of the interview, I was overwhelmed with sadness and frustration that I had an opportunity to have a long-term sub position for the spring and I had just shot myself in the foot. I was sad on Thursday, mad at myself, and had little hope about the position, especially having heard how many candidates they had interviewed.

Yesterday, Friday, I was called down to the office to hear about the job. What a fast turnaround- does this mean that they knew without a doubt that I wasn't right for it? Or could I hang on to a thread of hope? With it being my last day, I wasn't as consumed by thoughts about the job as I was about leaving my kids. Whatever happens, happens. I am still trusting God.

Turns out I got the job, so I will have work from February through the end of the year! How wonderful to get paid to do something I love! I'm so excited to continue with this school, to try my hand at kindergarten, to get my feet wet a little bit more. I feel blessed beyond blessed. I get to see my 2nd graders from time to time, I get a whole new class of kindergartners, who I will meet on Tuesday, and I get to stay at a school I love.

Usually when I'm learning about trust the answers don't come so readily!

My last day was Friday. On Monday I go to set up my subbing stuff. Tuesday all day I observe my new class and the teacher I am filling in for. Wednesday I have a final dinner for student teaching. Friday I go back for my 2nd graders "holiday" party. So yesterday wasn't really the end at all, just a wonderful day of celebration, permission to sleep a little bit more, and a great excuse to go out with friends afterward.

Bring on the kindergartners!

To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27:4-5

This verse continues to pop up in my life. It comes when days are hard, when the future looks dismal, when I am exhausted and want only deep and all-encompassing rest (as opposed to fitful sleep full of weird dreams of my day-time realities in monstrous forms).

Today was not a good day at work. It was a hard day, full of disappointment in myself, frustration that I have not been a good enough teacher to "fix" certain things by now, snowballing negative thoughts that I will never get a job and never be as good a teacher as I want to be...

But through it all, I felt myself clinging to the Lord. Through it all, my heart remembered the most important thing, that Jesus is Lord and Master, and that I am here only to serve and glorify him. Not to look good because I am a good teacher, not to seek wealth or fame or financial security. Today I want to dwell in the house of the Lord and to gaze upon his beauty, and I am even grateful for the frustration and disappointment of the day because they served to draw me closer to Jesus. And that is what I have been asking for.

Harvest

Every day on my commute I am thankful for views like this. I get 5 miles of pure harvest beauty.

Picture taken from here.
Picture taken from here.

Breakthrough

One of the students in my class was a huge challenge for me the first week of school. At first I could tell she was stubborn and out there, and then she started disappearing in the bathroom for obscene amounts of time, going to the nurse, sneaking out to her locker, hanging out around the water fountain, cuddling up in the book corner...anything to not be at her desk or doing any work. I said more than once that she was beyond me. No amount of yelling, asking nicely, punishing, or any of our other efforts were working. I had no idea how to relate to her or get through to her. Tuesday after Labor Day was her absolute worst day ever...and mine too.

So on Wednesday I took two of my students aside, this girl and a boy who can't sit or stay on task for any substantial amount of time. One at a time, I informed each of them that I would be watching them in the hallway and would choose them as my "Mystery Walker" if they were following the hall rules. I got this trick from a fellow teacher, and they knew that with being my mystery walker comes a small reward.

For the boy who can't stop moving, it sort of worked. We at least began bonding that day.

But for my little disappearing act, it completely changed her. OK, maybe not completely, but I saw a big change in her attitude. So I started praising her for every little thing that she did right. This kid totally turned around. Since then she hasn't disappeared (at least, not that I noticed ;-) ) and she always watches for me to come over and see her latest progress. She only cried once today (oh, did I mention she has been a crier, too?), but right after her tears today she hugged me as she went to her bus.

I feel better about the school day now that we are "friends" and it seems like she does as well. I see her quirks as endearing instead of a point of contention. My feelings toward her have completely changed, all because of one brief conversation that I never meant to mean anything.

I had been frustrated on and off with the way school had been going, but I think that little turning point for my student was a huge turning point for me. I began to remember the lessons I learned from my two favorite teachers, about getting on the students' side and working together instead of trying to force them to act like you want them to. Oh yeah, duh.

I think I learned the bigger lesson here.

Working Out

"The world is the great gymnasium where we come to make ourselves strong."
Swami Vivekananda

Questions

I have been interacting with some Chinese students all summer, and tonight we had a party for them because their workplace was closed. Two people showed up with English/Chinese books of the gospel of John, and then a woman I don't know showed up, also from China, to share with the students. She takes their new versions of John and starts explaining things to them animatedly and like she knew exactly what she was talking about, she knew exactly how to share her faith. I sat and listened to her beautiful Chinese, and I saw my non-Christian friends ask her questions and give her a lot of attention and respect, even though pretty much all of them do not share her faith. It was so cool to see these two random events come together so that God could plant some seeds. My heart breaks for my friends who claim that they are Buddhists or atheists, and those who believe there is some kind of governing god but know nothing about this god. Our time is short. Who in your life doesn't know or care about Jesus?

Basic yet Profound

I had the privilege of bringing two friends to church today. One is a brand new Christian from a non-Christian country with a non-Christian family who is soon returning to her country where I am certain she will be persecuted for her faith. Pray for her. The other girl is a non-Christian who didn't seem too interested in stuff (maybe just shy?) until she saw two people at church that she had met before.

We randomly sat in on a class that was talking about why we share our faith and what our faith means to us. This was a one time class and this was the one week the girls could come with me. My non-Christian friend blessed me by talking about God's love, saying that she knew that we Christians loved her because God loved us and we were sharing his love. I have been so amazed by the gift of seeing her simple and basic faith, not bogged down by theological details or anger with other churchgoers. Her profound words have consistently floored me, and I am so humbled to be a part of her journey and to get a glimpse of what God has been doing in her heart this summer.

Enough

I live in a world where there is never enough. There is never enough time to do everything you need to do. There is never enough time to meet the needs of every child, to connect and walk with each student. There are never enough resources. There is never enough time to process through one thing before the next thing blows up. Schoolwork and regular work can always be improved, there is always more to read, more to learn, more to prepare...good enough is not really good enough anymore. Enough. What an elusive concept.

I hate thinking those things above living in one of the most affluent parts of the world. In reality, what IS enough? How can I find a healthy sense of "enough"?

Jesus is the only "enough" in my life. His grace is enough. There is nothing further I must do once I am in his arms, and it doesn't take any work to get into his arms in the first place.

Enough. Aaahhh. That's what enough looks like.

No Sacrifices

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
-Steve Prefontaine

Walk and Talk

I am a runner. I love spending time talking one on one with a friend. You would think I would mix these two passions and run with a buddy. Yet I rarely do. Truth is, I haven't known anyone who lived near enough and wanted to be running buddies for years. I'm still not really running right now because of my knee. But tonight I got together with a dear friend and we walked one of my favorite running trails. It was so incredibly wonderful to talk, to walk, to be out in nature and to see all the deer eating their dinners. I am so thankful for the chance to hang out with this beautiful friend.