Passions and Dreams

Today I met Anna Reyes, the shorter female dancer seen in this video in minutes 2:30-4:13 and 6:30-8, possibly other sections as well, but it is hard to tell in this video. I was so blessed to meet her. She is a friend's son's girlfriend, and we went out to dinner together. It was also a blessing to meet the friend's son, Jordan Maley, who is featured on saxophone in the video below.



As we talked, we came to a point of discussing following our dreams and living with our passions. Jordan lives and breathes music, Anna lives and breathes dance. We discussed the need to follow these passions even when we may be unsure of the how, when, or where of it. If you need to play, you will find a way to play. If you need to dance, you will find a way to dance.

I have been thinking about this since. (I am backwriting by almost a week.) I love to run, although I don't think that the passion is quite as strong as it is for Anna and Jordan. However, I feel better about myself and my tasks and the world around me when I run. I love the feeling of running, even on bad runs. I had a pretty awful run yesterday, but could still acknowledge that the pain was a part of the passion, and I couldn't trade it or erase it without compromising some of the passion. There have been numerous stages in my life when I have completely stopped running, and looking back I know I wasn't at my best during those periods of time.

When I think about living overseas again, I acknowledge that this decision may mean sacrificing running, as it is not appropriate in some cultures and it could also compromise my ministry there. I think I would still try to find a way to run, however, running in circles in my basement as I do when the weather is bad here, or purchasing or importing a treadmill. There were also a few gyms in Bolivia, perhaps I would be able to workout in a gym wherever I end up.

Then there is my future as a teacher. Will I even have time to run, regardless of the country I live in? Will I ever get to run in the daylight again, or would it be only early morning or late night runs? Will there be time to train for another marathon or whatever else I set my sights on? I go back to the conversation with Anna and Jordan. If I need to run, I will find a way to incorporate it into my life.

As I think about this, part of my anxiety about my future in running subsides. I love running, and therefore if I need to run, I will find a way and a where and a how to run.

Jordan will keep playing and Anna will keep dancing. I will keep running. Somehow. Somewhere. Some way. It is a part of us.

More thoughts on fear and death

As I continue to think about my classmate's death, these are some things I wrote in my journal.

A classmate of mine felt strongly about not going to teach in the Chicago Public School system. Afraid for her life, she wouldn't go. Within two weeks of expressing this fear, she was dead, killed in her own bed by her own heart.

Her fear isn't lost on me. I, too, am fearful. I am fearful of the unknown, fearful of the rough inner city neighborhoods. I don't have street smarts. I don't know if I could bridge the gap between my own experiences and theirs. I don't know if I could be successful in any classroom, much less one so under funded, under supported, so set up for failure by outside influences.

But we never know what will happen. We never know what is around the corner or in store for tomorrow. You can die from poor choices, unforeseen circumstances, or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I don't want to live in fear, and I don't want fear to stop me if I have something to offer. It's easy for me to dream about what it could be like, how successful it could be. I could be the next Erin Gruwell, Jaime Escalante, or Geoffrey Canada. It's also easy for me to exaggerate the danger, thinking people are waiting to shoot me at each corner. But the truth is, I haven't experienced Chicago Public Schools, inner city life, or life in the projects. I don't know where I'll end up. It could be inner city, a town, in a corn field, or a mission school in some other country.

My classmate's death has me thinking, though. I don't want to be driven to something or away from something because of fear. Whether naive or not, I want to be driven by passion, purpose, a sense of calling. I don't want me fears to imprison me. Today has reminded me that I truly don't know what is around the corner, but I want to turn the corner with my head held high, confident in life or death.