He Has Heard Our Cry

Hallelujah! We've been found...so praise to God on high, He has heard our cry.

The End of One Journey is the Beginning of Another

10 weeks ago I squeezed 70 days onto my 4-week dry-erase calendar. I wanted to have a visual of how much time I had left student teaching. It wasn't that I wasn't enjoying it, or just wanted it to be over, but I needed to have an end in sight, and I needed to keep an understanding that time was short (or long, depending on the day) with the students that I had.

Today I erased the last day on that calendar. Yesterday was my last day. I moved out of the classroom, took all of my lesson plans, coffee mugs, and drawings from the students home with me.

I woke up yesterday with a feeling of thankfulness. Thankful for what God has taught me, done in me, how he has sustained me through this. 16 weeks ago, when this all began, I wasn't so sure I would make it out alive! Now I can finally turn the page and reflect on what I have learned (oh wouldn't my professors be so proud that I am actually choosing to reflect after being forced to write hundreds of reflections the last two years). I am so very thankful for this experience, for my students, for my new teacher friends, for everything, good and bad, that helped shape me into the teacher that I am now, and the teacher I will continue to become.

I also woke up praying about trust. I trust God will be glorified through my life, and that matters more to me than having an easy path, knowing exactly where I will be next semester or year, knowing that I will ever get a job doing what I love...I just want him to be glorified through my life, and that is a cool feeling. I don't often have that trust in the entryway to uncertain times. Here I am, leaving a "job" (however unpaid it may have been, it was still a job), with nothing on the [visible] horizon. But I trust God. He has always been so good to me in my life, even when I was in a place I thought was horrible or never-ending or whatever the circumstance may have been.

This trust and thankfulness was even more surprising to me because on Thursday I had an interview that I thought I blew. The second I walked out the door of the interview, I was overwhelmed with sadness and frustration that I had an opportunity to have a long-term sub position for the spring and I had just shot myself in the foot. I was sad on Thursday, mad at myself, and had little hope about the position, especially having heard how many candidates they had interviewed.

Yesterday, Friday, I was called down to the office to hear about the job. What a fast turnaround- does this mean that they knew without a doubt that I wasn't right for it? Or could I hang on to a thread of hope? With it being my last day, I wasn't as consumed by thoughts about the job as I was about leaving my kids. Whatever happens, happens. I am still trusting God.

Turns out I got the job, so I will have work from February through the end of the year! How wonderful to get paid to do something I love! I'm so excited to continue with this school, to try my hand at kindergarten, to get my feet wet a little bit more. I feel blessed beyond blessed. I get to see my 2nd graders from time to time, I get a whole new class of kindergartners, who I will meet on Tuesday, and I get to stay at a school I love.

Usually when I'm learning about trust the answers don't come so readily!

My last day was Friday. On Monday I go to set up my subbing stuff. Tuesday all day I observe my new class and the teacher I am filling in for. Wednesday I have a final dinner for student teaching. Friday I go back for my 2nd graders "holiday" party. So yesterday wasn't really the end at all, just a wonderful day of celebration, permission to sleep a little bit more, and a great excuse to go out with friends afterward.

Bring on the kindergartners!

To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27:4-5

This verse continues to pop up in my life. It comes when days are hard, when the future looks dismal, when I am exhausted and want only deep and all-encompassing rest (as opposed to fitful sleep full of weird dreams of my day-time realities in monstrous forms).

Today was not a good day at work. It was a hard day, full of disappointment in myself, frustration that I have not been a good enough teacher to "fix" certain things by now, snowballing negative thoughts that I will never get a job and never be as good a teacher as I want to be...

But through it all, I felt myself clinging to the Lord. Through it all, my heart remembered the most important thing, that Jesus is Lord and Master, and that I am here only to serve and glorify him. Not to look good because I am a good teacher, not to seek wealth or fame or financial security. Today I want to dwell in the house of the Lord and to gaze upon his beauty, and I am even grateful for the frustration and disappointment of the day because they served to draw me closer to Jesus. And that is what I have been asking for.

Harvest

Every day on my commute I am thankful for views like this. I get 5 miles of pure harvest beauty.

Picture taken from here.
Picture taken from here.

Breakthrough

One of the students in my class was a huge challenge for me the first week of school. At first I could tell she was stubborn and out there, and then she started disappearing in the bathroom for obscene amounts of time, going to the nurse, sneaking out to her locker, hanging out around the water fountain, cuddling up in the book corner...anything to not be at her desk or doing any work. I said more than once that she was beyond me. No amount of yelling, asking nicely, punishing, or any of our other efforts were working. I had no idea how to relate to her or get through to her. Tuesday after Labor Day was her absolute worst day ever...and mine too.

So on Wednesday I took two of my students aside, this girl and a boy who can't sit or stay on task for any substantial amount of time. One at a time, I informed each of them that I would be watching them in the hallway and would choose them as my "Mystery Walker" if they were following the hall rules. I got this trick from a fellow teacher, and they knew that with being my mystery walker comes a small reward.

For the boy who can't stop moving, it sort of worked. We at least began bonding that day.

But for my little disappearing act, it completely changed her. OK, maybe not completely, but I saw a big change in her attitude. So I started praising her for every little thing that she did right. This kid totally turned around. Since then she hasn't disappeared (at least, not that I noticed ;-) ) and she always watches for me to come over and see her latest progress. She only cried once today (oh, did I mention she has been a crier, too?), but right after her tears today she hugged me as she went to her bus.

I feel better about the school day now that we are "friends" and it seems like she does as well. I see her quirks as endearing instead of a point of contention. My feelings toward her have completely changed, all because of one brief conversation that I never meant to mean anything.

I had been frustrated on and off with the way school had been going, but I think that little turning point for my student was a huge turning point for me. I began to remember the lessons I learned from my two favorite teachers, about getting on the students' side and working together instead of trying to force them to act like you want them to. Oh yeah, duh.

I think I learned the bigger lesson here.

Working Out

"The world is the great gymnasium where we come to make ourselves strong."
Swami Vivekananda

Questions

I have been interacting with some Chinese students all summer, and tonight we had a party for them because their workplace was closed. Two people showed up with English/Chinese books of the gospel of John, and then a woman I don't know showed up, also from China, to share with the students. She takes their new versions of John and starts explaining things to them animatedly and like she knew exactly what she was talking about, she knew exactly how to share her faith. I sat and listened to her beautiful Chinese, and I saw my non-Christian friends ask her questions and give her a lot of attention and respect, even though pretty much all of them do not share her faith. It was so cool to see these two random events come together so that God could plant some seeds. My heart breaks for my friends who claim that they are Buddhists or atheists, and those who believe there is some kind of governing god but know nothing about this god. Our time is short. Who in your life doesn't know or care about Jesus?

Basic yet Profound

I had the privilege of bringing two friends to church today. One is a brand new Christian from a non-Christian country with a non-Christian family who is soon returning to her country where I am certain she will be persecuted for her faith. Pray for her. The other girl is a non-Christian who didn't seem too interested in stuff (maybe just shy?) until she saw two people at church that she had met before.

We randomly sat in on a class that was talking about why we share our faith and what our faith means to us. This was a one time class and this was the one week the girls could come with me. My non-Christian friend blessed me by talking about God's love, saying that she knew that we Christians loved her because God loved us and we were sharing his love. I have been so amazed by the gift of seeing her simple and basic faith, not bogged down by theological details or anger with other churchgoers. Her profound words have consistently floored me, and I am so humbled to be a part of her journey and to get a glimpse of what God has been doing in her heart this summer.

Enough

I live in a world where there is never enough. There is never enough time to do everything you need to do. There is never enough time to meet the needs of every child, to connect and walk with each student. There are never enough resources. There is never enough time to process through one thing before the next thing blows up. Schoolwork and regular work can always be improved, there is always more to read, more to learn, more to prepare...good enough is not really good enough anymore. Enough. What an elusive concept.

I hate thinking those things above living in one of the most affluent parts of the world. In reality, what IS enough? How can I find a healthy sense of "enough"?

Jesus is the only "enough" in my life. His grace is enough. There is nothing further I must do once I am in his arms, and it doesn't take any work to get into his arms in the first place.

Enough. Aaahhh. That's what enough looks like.

No Sacrifices

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
-Steve Prefontaine

Walk and Talk

I am a runner. I love spending time talking one on one with a friend. You would think I would mix these two passions and run with a buddy. Yet I rarely do. Truth is, I haven't known anyone who lived near enough and wanted to be running buddies for years. I'm still not really running right now because of my knee. But tonight I got together with a dear friend and we walked one of my favorite running trails. It was so incredibly wonderful to talk, to walk, to be out in nature and to see all the deer eating their dinners. I am so thankful for the chance to hang out with this beautiful friend.

I am Much Too Alone In This World, Rainier Maria Rilke

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.
I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone, st. 1 (as translated by Annemarie S. Kidder)

Carbon Ribs

Carbon Ribs, By John Mark McMillan


I love this song. I come back to it often. Read these words and you'll see the beauty of grace revealed.

A thousand pairs of fiery eyes burn like a serpent down the Highway 5 as the long amber tail to Los Angeles unwinds.

I've got his resurrection down inside my skin but for all my revelating I just can't make sense of this gravity we're in

Cause I'm a dead man now with a ghost who lives within the confines of these carbon ribs and one day when I'm free I will sit, the cripple at your table, the cripple by your side...

A thousand miles of pain I'm sure led you to the threshold of my heart's screen door to tell me what it is I'm dying for

Gravity comes like a cold, cold rain to lead me to the rope again but someone is standing at my place

Cause I'm a dead man now with a ghost who lives within the confines of these carbon ribs and one day when I'm free I will sit, the cripple at your table, the cripple by your side
the cripple at your table
the cripple by your side...

And I sit beside you.
And I sit beside you.
And I sit beside you.
And I sit beside you.

Caged Beast

Beware the angry, caged beast lurking in these high heels.

Full. Too much. Need to move. Freedom. Need to move faster. Breathe in the smells of the summer wild grasses. Drink in the sights. Move faster. Run. Run. Run. Breathe. Breathe deeply. My soul needs to breathe. Keep moving. The tension won't dissipate fast enough. Keep moving. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be. Run. Walk. Run faster. Walk. Turn the music up. Hootie and the Blowfish. Jason Mraz. John Mark McMillan. Les Mis. It doesn't matter. Louder. Move. Release. Calm. Breathe. Move, move on from today. Be me. Take off these stupid shoes and let me be free.

Broken Heart

A few months ago I started to feel really convicted about sharing my faith. I am a Christian and Christians around me talk about their conversations with nonchristians, what they have learned, what they have shared, how they interact beyond the superficial daily conversations with these nonchristian friends, etc. I realized that not only do I not talk about faith matters with nonchristians, but I don't even know what the people around me believe. Are my friends just decent people with good morals, or are they, like me, people who are aware of their sins and their desperate need for a savior and they find life and mercy in Christ alone? I did not know.

All summer I have been learning more about the people around me, and what I have learned breaks my heart. Many of my friends believe in many different things, but few of them know how loving and merciful Christ is. Few of them want to know.

My heart breaks for my friends.

I am not pretending that I know it all, and I hope it doesn't come across like that. In fact, during the last few months, I have been stripped of many things I thought I knew, my pride has been ground up and hit by some huge mac trucks, and I feel weak and vulnerable. However, the saviour I cling to has not changed, and I prefer to gather my strength from him over myself anyway.

In finding out about other spiritual beliefs, I have had to examine my own, as I think one should do often. I come back to the resurrection each time. 1 Corinthians says something that I have identified with since I began to understand my faith. "If Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith." (1 Corinthians 15:14) and then again Paul says, "And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins." (1 Corinthians 15:17)

But Christ DID rise from the dead, and there is historical proof for this. This is a major subject of many Christian apologetical books, so I will just list a few instead of trying to quote everything.
Josh McDowell, The New Evidence That Demands a Verdict
Lee Strobel, The Case For Christ
Norman Geisler and Frank Turek, I Don't Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist
Norman Geisler and Ron Brooks, When Skeptics Ask

If you doubt this, ask a Christian about it. Read one of those books, which include chapters specifically written to address common doubts and arguments against Christianity.

I don't really know how to conclude this post because the struggle in my heart continues and my love for my numerous unbelieving friends grows every day. So I will link this back to the reason I started this blog: searching for beauty.

In this quest, I have seen more beauty in these friends than I ever did before I knew their beliefs. That surprised me. I thought if I knew that we had differing beliefs, I might feel more distant from them, but in truth, I feel a much greater love for them, a greater desire to be with them, to love them, to listen to them, to learn from them, to live life with them.

Second, I have also seen more beauty in the resurrection. God knew that many hearts would come to him because of that one act. Without the resurrection, I would not be a Christian, but I have read enough proofs for Christ's death and resurrection, from Christian supporters and resurrection critics alike, to believe firmly in the resurrection.

And so once again, I hate the struggles and heartache I have been feeling, but I cling to them as an opportunity for growth, a chance to watch God act, and a place to hold on to Ephesians 3:20-21...

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Heavy in Your Arms Dance

I have often talked about dance expressing my emotions better than words do. So that is what I will embrace today. I have two relationships in my life right now where I feel like Caitlynn's character in this piece. But I also have one relationship in my life where I feel like Marko's character. I guess that is all I will say.

Upside-Down Fun

Today I rode this:

Picture taken from here.

And many many more like it! It was a wonderful day spent with a cherished friend!

More of Rainer: A Walk

As promised, more from Rainer Maria Rilke:

Already my gaze is upon the hill, the sunny one,
at the end of the path which I've only just begun.
So we are grasped, by that which we could not grasp,
at such great distance, so fully manifest—

and it changes us, even when we do not reach it,
into something that, hardly sensing it, we already are;
a sign appears, echoing our own sign...
But what we sense is the falling winds.

Spaziergang (A Walk) (March 1924)

Final Moments

Today was my last day babysitting my little kiddos for awhile. I was hired for the summer, and now I must begin student teaching. The kids' parents have said they would like to have me back to do some babysitting, though, so today won't really be the end, I hope.

I had an incredible summer with them, and I can't believe how blessed I was. I didn't set out looking for a babysitting job because I didn't think anyone could deal with my finicky schedule. However, when I stumbled upon this job, it worked. This job was great with my schedule, great with my needs, and it seems like I was a good fit for them as they were a good fit for me.

I didn't really talk to the kids about it being my last day. I did talk to them about what they would be doing next, going back to see grandma again, who watches them during the school year.

Today was a weird day because I had to leave early for a mandatory student teaching meeting, so I did warn the kids that when they woke up I might still be there, but mom might be home early.

It was the worst nap time ever.

Both of the kids were wide awake and unhappy to be in their rooms. The younger one tore through all of her diapers, diaper creams, hair ties, etc. Then she got scared and upset when I was angry and just took it all out of her room or put it on top of her wardrobe so she couldn't play with it and I could piece things back together. Tears. Screaming. I finally went back in when it sounded like she was hyperventilating, and we had some really tender final moments.

I pulled her sweaty, tear-streaked head onto my lap and had her calm down, told her how much I love her, and just enjoyed her for a few minutes despite all the diaper-terrorizing she had just done. And then she fell asleep.

Fidgety older brother was bored and upset to be in his room, which he usually does without a problem, so he got to come out early and read books with me. I guess when it is the last nap time with me I don't have to be such a stickler about nap rules. We also got a tender last few minutes as we read books and waited for his mom.

The kids' parents were so wonderful to me. They were generous with their food. I could ask for any supplies or stuff if I wanted to do something with the kids. Nap times were my free time. They paid me the full rate even though they came home about 15 minutes early almost every single time. They were kind and helpful to me, and they gave me a thoughtful and tear-jerking final card and gift.

I feel so sad that the summer fun with this family is over, but I feel incredibly blessed to have had the experience. Many of my beauty-related posts centered around these kids, and I praise God to have them in my life.

Selected Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke (1960)

I am generally not one to enjoy poetry. I rarely understand the depths of the words and intentions. But German poet Rainer Maria Wilke's writings have captivated me. I do not know his beliefs, his experiences, his motivations, or anything else that made him who he was. But when I read his words, my heart responds. Expect to hear more from him in the coming months.

What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are.

--Selected Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke (1960)

(I know this is not a poem, but if you read in the future, you will read some of Mr. Rilke's actual poems)

Forget Fear

"Every failure is a step to success." -William Whewell

We let ourselves be much too limited by fear of failure. What are we so afraid of? Why is it so mortifying to fail? My hopes don't rest on success. My hope rests in God, who cannot be defeated. I am not guaranteed success for my own desires and goals. But I guess I don't really care too much about my own ways when I can recognize that God's ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

A Salute to our Police Officers, Firemen, and EMTs

As I left small group today, I came across a car accident. There were numerous police cars, ambulances, and a firetruck already at the scene, but the smashed cars were still strewn around the road. It was scary to see, but I was comforted by the fact that none of the ambulances seemed like they were in a hurry. People were milling around, so I know there were survivors, and I doubt anything too serious happened based on the people's faces.

Sitting in stopped traffic I had a chance to watch the people in uniform. There were many people dressed in full fireman garb (minus helmets) in the middle of a hot summer afternoon. They were spreading sand or something on the road, sweeping up glass. I never realized how much our police officers, firemen, and EMTs do, and I have never stopped to appreciate that they do so much in hot, heavy clothes.

I was so thankful for these people today, for the risks they take to help others, and for the little things they do that don't get recognized.

Conquering Fears

I got a bonus day with my kiddos today, and I got to experience some pretty cool stuff. We went to the park and I realized that they were afraid of the tall, curly slide. I hadn't recognized this before, and I am thinking it was mostly the older one. The little one was just copying, I think, because she isn't afraid of stuff like that typically. So I took them both down the slide on my lap, then holding hands, then they did it on their own. I was so proud of them for being willing to do that.

The little one is super resistant to potty training, and I haven't really pushed her with it. But I got a book about a duck and pig reading on the toilet. The book isn't wonderful, but I thought I would try sitting her on the toilet and then reading her a book. It actually worked! She did it twice... It's a step, and I am so proud of her!

I love seeing my kids grow and learn and experience new things. I think that is one of the coolest things.

My Life in Ruins

I watched My Life in Ruins today while I caught up on some stuff. It was a cute movie, and it had some incredible scenery, being set on a tour of Greece. Beautiful. I would love to go there someday!

A Calming Effect

Today was my first day going in for student teaching. I just met with the teacher and did a few things to help prepare the room. There is much still to do, and so much I don't know. The teacher was great, though, and helped me to recognize the important stuff. She kept going back to the importance of forming relationships with the kids, and not sweating all the small stuff. I will watch at first and figure out some stuff, and then I will take over little by little, and she will tell me what to do until I am comfortable taking over...She had a great way of calming my nerves on this new and foreign venture. I tend to get all excited and throw all kinds of details at people, but I can learn from her and the way she kept the big picture in mind.

I speak through dance

On the finale of So You Think You Can Dance, Marko said, "I speak through my body." I love that, and it got me wondering how I speak. I have talked about expression, expressing myself through running, through watching dance. I certainly don't speak through actually dancing. I can't dance at all! But I think I speak to myself through watching dance, as I process through things. But how do I speak to others? Empowering kids is something I love, a way that I speak about my belief in children, my love for their enthusisam and hearts. I speak through doing little things for others...sometimes, but not consistently. I sort of speak through writing, although it is rare that I feel like I have thoroughly expressed myself through writing. There is always more to the story when I write, always something I left out. It is a good way for me to process things though...

Anyway, just thinking...

How do you speak?

Work Picnic!

We had a work picnic today, and it was my first ever work picnic as an employee. I remember going to work picnics with my dad, who worked at a huge corporation. They had food, Spin Art, Bounce Houses, and I'm sure much more, but those are the few weird things I remember.

I work for a much smaller non-profit, so I didn't know what to expect. We had a few games and some good food, but mostly it was just a time to connect about real outside-of-work things, to enjoy a gorgeous summer day at a beautiful park, and to celebrate the staff members who will be leaving for transfers or other reasons...

It was a really nice evening!

Fool of Me

Sasha and Kent, So You Think You Can Dance, Top 6

Random Sightings

I walked into church this morning and ran into my neighbors, who were visiting. Surprise!

It was a very different service than I have ever been to at that church. Typically the kids have their own activities and stuff during the sermon, but this time the whole sermon was for the kids, who gathered up front. A few parents went up too, with the little ones, and as they went back to their seats, I noticed a familiar face in the crowd. One of my best friends from high school, who now lives in Oklahoma! What a wonderful surprise! I got to meet her husband and two small kids, and just spend a few minutes catching up.

Then after church I got a call from a friend passing through the city. Her timing was perfect, and we were able to meet up for a bit before she had to go.

What a wonderful day!

Harry Potter and the movie marathon

Well, I wanted to watch Harry Potter 5, 6, and 7 pt 1 before I saw Part 2. I put myself on the waiting list at the library, but the timing of it all was weird. I got 7.1, then 6, then 5 all in a week's time, but backwards. I could tell I was next for 5, so I waited to watch the others, but by the time I got 5, the others were due...so what to do? Watch them all in 24 hours, of course! Whoa. It was a bit overwhelming, but my mom wanted to watch them too, so it was a fun time with my mom and the cuddly cat.

Wrestling

Many times, the premise of this blog leads me to give a dishonest portrayal of myself. Looking for the beautiful, trying to find the beautiful things in life...not much place for negativity on a blog like that.

I have ways of coping with that. I skip writing on those days until I feel better. I post an impersonal picture or video that I do think is beautiful...but they allow me to hide. I never really intended to be completely transparent on this blog anyway...I mean, that's what private conversations, diaries, and prayers are for. Not the internet.

Yet, today I want to write about the harder stuff. Today I want to admit that many of the topics I write about are ones that I wrestle with. This last week I think I posted twice about the concept of home, posting from two different sides of the argument within me. My life is very up in the air right now, and I want a place to call home, I want a place where I can be myself, but also where I am my best self. I don't want to come home and release the chained beast within, as I have done my whole life. It's ok to be nasty at home because I've been cooped up in this polite vocabulary all day and now I need to be me in all my anger and rudeness. Gosh, that sounds so weird to put it in words, but that is actually what happens to me. My mom has told me that she would go easy on us after school because she knew from reports that we were being very well-behaved in the classroom. It's a bad habit I have carried with me my whole life. Lash out against the ones you love because you know they are stuck with you. What am I thinking?

And yet I find it so hard to be a nice person with those closest to me. They are most able to get under my skin, to annoy, to frustrate...My expectations are so high. I want you to be perfect, I want this relationship to be better, I want good things for you. And yet, here I am being a hypocritical lunatic! I don't get it, and I don't like it that I do these things.

One of my close relationships has been strained for a long time. I can't let up on this person. I nag, I complain, I criticize. I sure do have a funny way of showing love. I recognize what I am doing, although I probably don't recognize all the hidden motivations. I do hear myself, though, and it's like I can't shut my mouth. I walk in with such good intentions. Today I will be better. Today I will keep my mouth shut, or only say nice things. Today I will be different. I pray about this, I agonize over this, but I have not been able to show any results of a new heart.

I am really hard on myself as well. The things I see this other person doing are things I also see myself doing. The things I nag about are things I don't want for myself, things I struggle with myself. This other person doesn't see anything wrong with these things, or at least not to my knowledge, but I do.

But I am called to love. I am called to honor. I am called to respect. I serve a wonderful and powerful God, and I want him to take this relationship and change it. Today there is awe and recognition of incredible beauty in the fact that God can change the situation, and he can change me. I have wanted him to change the other person for so long, but really, the change must come in me.

So there it is, one of the many things I am wrestling with lately. I include it because I am also seeing how struggle can be a blessing. All things, even awful things, can come back around and change me for the better, to be a more humble, more loving, more understanding servant.

Completion

I came back to the United States over 21 months ago. (I don't keep track of the time anymore, I just now counted.) I came back to get a teaching certificate, and the thought of that process terrified me. I remember thinking that I didn't want to commit to the master's program because two years was just FOREVER, and I didn't think I could handle staying in the United States that long, I didn't want to put my desire to be in Bolivia on hold for that long, I didn't want to conform to the negative aspects of my own culture again.

So I started classes at the university that had the program I wanted and would allow me to start classes the soonest. I jammed each semester with as much as I thought I could handle so I could finish. Most semesters I was in over my head, so I am fairly burned out on this whole thing now. It was a tough transition to get back into school, but now I am totally used to the need to read textbooks, study, write papers, go to class, and pay a whole lot of tuition.

Today I turned in my last project and went to my last class of my normal program. I am not done, as I still have a seminar and student teaching to do, but as far as what I have been doing for a year and a half, I am done with school as I have known it to be. Now I venture into the unknown, into doing what I have been trained to do (in theory).

I am excited about teaching, but I am also saddened by the thought that I won't see some of my classmates again. I have enjoyed getting to know many of them. They have made it a pleasure to go to class -- usually :-)

Tonight is bittersweet, but there it is. It is complete... sort of.

Circle Back

For some weeks now I have led a game night for some Chinese students (and one Ecuadorian student) who are here for the summer. I have written bits and pieces about this before. But I must say, each week I leave there amazed at how blessed I feel to have interacted with these students. I started out thinking that I would try to be a blessing to these people who are visitors to our country for such a short time since I myself have been in that position and been so blessed by random strangers. And while I do still want to be a blessing to them, and I pray for them and all that, I go now to game nights because they are my friends. I haven't met all of them yet, and there are usually some new faces or faces I don't know very well. But each week I have been so blessed, seeing people from the week before, enjoying the games but much moreso enjoying their company. Something has gone terribly wrong in our country that we tend to shy away from people with a different color skin than our own. The blessings multiply when I get to spend time with these beautiful people. Tonight I realized that I want there to be much more of this type of thing in my future path. I love interacting with people from other cultures and learning from them and sharing with them, whether I am in their home country or they are in mine. I want to do more of this because they are such a blessing to me.

Is that selfish? I'm not sure yet...

Nesting...

There is this concept called nesting. It happens when you start getting comfortable where you are, surrounding yourself with friends, with things you love, etc. It isn't a bad thing, although it can lead to some bad habits. When I first heard about it, I was in a time in my life where it sounded simply awful. I could not imagine why anyone would want to stay in one place. This was a few years back, and for the last three years or so I have been much more eager to start spreading some deeper roots in a smaller spot instead of spreading shallow roots in a large area. I don't know if I will ever be in a place that I stay for longer than 2 years. So far that hasn't happened in over a decade. But I do know that when I first came back here from living overseas, I was lonely and bored and didn't know anyone in this area.

Tonight I realized that I have made some connections, spread a bit of a nest here for now. I realized I am making plans with classmates, meeting up with church friends, going to random game nights with Chinese students, and connecting with people with whom I work. How cool is that? Two years ago I didn't know any of these people, and now I have a whole bunch of people I hope to keep up with in some way no matter where I go.

Have you stopped to appreciate your new friends lately? Who do you know now that you didn't know in 2010?

Summertime Exercising

The summer nights are getting a bit cooler, at least in the current weather system, and the runners are out. I have the privilege of seeing people who don't appear to be naturally athletic out enjoying the summertime. I must say I love that. Tonight I saw a man out by himself, a group of four women doing a walk/jog, a middle-aged guy riding his bike, some girls out for a walk, and more. It's just so inspiring! Get me out of this car and let me join you! (Well, I don't want to join the people I see out in the middle of the day in August. That's just crazy.)

This week the bike paths have been calling to me. "Come back, we miss you!" I am so thankful for the many trails and bike paths in my little suburb. I am so blessed, and it will be so good to get back out there. My legs are still unable to handle running, and I am more and more ready to spend lots of money on some medical tests. Running: you are worth it.

Surrender

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
-Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Robert Robinson, John Wyeth, public domain

All to Jesus I surrender, Help me fully count the cost
My own ambitions I abandon, Clinging only to Your cross.
-Stephen Hinkle, Surrender, 2008 hinklemusic

These are two issues I have been struggling with lately. First there is my constantly wandering mind and heart and priorities. Can I just have in mind the things of Christ and make that a habit? No, I can't, and it isn't likely to ever come naturally. Philippians tells us to "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable," etc. "Keep putting into practice all you have learned and received"... (excerpts from Philippians 4:8-9). It is a conscious choice: FIX your thoughts... KEEP putting into practice...I cannot expect to simply soak in a church service on Sunday morning and be set for the rest of the week. In many ways and in many churches, I think Christians in the US do think this is what happens. I go get my fix on Sundays or maybe more commonly, I go give my one or two hours on Sundays and then I did my penance for the week. I gave God what he requires and now I get to do what I want. That fulfilling-a-requirement attitude isn't really what sits in my mind today, though. Moreso it is the idea of thinking two hours on Sunday of sitting and listening or standing and singing is enough to keep me in Christ throughout the week. I am realizing more and more that I simply cannot train myself to think Biblically or to be more Christlike without spending a lot of time in the word, in prayer, and in worship. Yet throughout the week, that is something I rarely do. I have tons of excuses. Too busy. Too lazy. Too forgetful. Too many people needing me to do too many other things. All these excuses fall short, but Sunday seems to be the only day I can see that.

Then there is the idea of clinging to things that are temporary and worldly. It only seems to be when things get upset that I can see this. For instance, I have been dogsitting and I have sort of moved into this house. It is only temporary, yet I can already feel myself creating habits and starting to feel at home there. On the weekends, when I leave their house and come back to mine, I all of a sudden feel all out-of-whack, like neither house is my home. How do I remember that neither the house I normally live in nor this new and temporary arrangement is my actual home? How can I continue to remember that heaven is my home, so any circumstance here is temporary? Our pastor spoke this morning to this topic. You wouldn't see a set for a play and want to move in. You know that play sets are temporary, that the set strike will occur soon, and this is not a dwelling that people can actually stay in. We know this about plays, but we lose sight of this in the world. Our houses are not forever. The stuff we cling to is not truly ours to keep. Things break, disasters happen, but more importantly, none of this stuff has eternal value. Yet we put so much time and effort into holding onto this stuff, upgrading it, repairing it, keeping it nice, storing it safely, etc. This isn't to say we should get rid of everything or treat it poorly, but we should remember that it is only temporary. I remember a sermon from two years ago by a different pastor on the same topic. He said sometimes he walks around his stuff and tells it, "You are only temporary." Funny to imagine actually doing that, but isn't it true? Yet how do we remember that in the day-to-day life?

I'll end with this: what I have been reading in Revelation has really been hitting home, reminding me again how big God is, how much he hates sin, and that the final days will not be easy, but they will be good and triumphant. God will win, and he will obliterate all sin. The thing is, sin is not an entity in itself, but a deeply ingrained thing in all of us. It will not be easy on us when he tears it out of us, but it will be so good. How can I let him cleanse me of my sin now, how can I get rid of sin in my own life now? By clinging to his grace, by living in his word, by becoming aware of my pride and asking forgiveness. It isn't me who will get rid of any of this sin, but I do stand in God's way so that I can continue to cling to it. Lord, make me less so that you can become greater.

Expression

This year has seen two extremes for me in the running scene. I trained the hardest and longest I have ever trained in order to run my longest race to date, a 26.2 mile race in Kenosha, WI. Then I jogged some miles here and there to get back into running after the race and discovered that my left knee was not able to handle running anymore. I don't really know what happened. I don't really think of it as an injury because the word "injury" implies to me that something happened at some point in time. This thing in my knee so far seems to be just overuse, maybe too much mileage added in too short of a time, and poor form mixed to create an injury.

I took off 4 weeks in June, then when my knee was still bad, took off another 2, now another 2. Still not better. I was just in to see the doctor again, and he said another 6 weeks of rest and then "we'll see...". It's disappointing for me on so many levels.

Running is a form of expression for me. I'm not expressing anything to anybody except myself, but it is a way for my spirit to be refreshed. I love to drink in nature's beauty. I love to push myself physically, releasing endorphins. I love the way I feel as I lace up my shoes and reset my watch. I love the grind of step after step that on some runs I notice and other runs my mind just internalizes a floating or flying feeling. Some runs are about the run itself, but many are not. Many runs are initiated by a need to get in the miles or a desire to work off those extra cookies I ate or to meet a certain goal I have set. However, after I take that first step out the door, the reason for the run no longer matters. I am simply running because that is what I do. I run for me. I run for my health. I run because I need to relax my soul. I run to breathe in spring's smells. I run to defy winter's cold days. I run to revel in summer's beauty. I run to appreciate every last ounce of autumn's gold. I run to focus on God and remind myself of who I am and why I do what I do.

For two months now, I haven't been able to run, bike, or do many exercises. I have 6 weeks or more of the same limits ahead. For all I know, it could be a year. It could be forever. Or it could just be 6 weeks. So I have had to find other ways to fill the void of not running.

Music and dance do help with some of the longing for expression. My soul needs to speak, and it does not use words. It works out perfectly for me that So You Think You Can Dance is on in the summertime. Here is this week's most expression-filled dance, by Melanie Moore and all-star Neil.

Fingerprints of God

Rest is a funny thing. It is hard to balance rest in my life. Sometimes, like last spring, I had too much rest, and I felt lazy and useless. This summer rest has been an elusive friend as I fall into bed each night exhausted and must wake up before I am ready to be up.

I can't complain about not getting rest, as the things I am doing sort of fell into my lap and are providing wonderful ministry opportunities. They are also proving to me once again that God is faithful and will provide for his people.

Tonight, though, I had some time to sit outside on the deck and enjoy weather that was not too hot or humid. I read a book that I have wanted to read for awhile, and I just enjoyed the cicadas and the summer evening. For awhile I just sat and watched the clouds move. What do you see in these clouds?

I see a hand print, which of course puts a Steven Curtis Chapman song in my head.

Revelation

I had the chance to listen to some old Francis Chan sermons on Revelation. They can be found by scrolling all the way down on this website. So many Christians are either afraid of the book of Revelation or just plain don't understand it. I am one of those people who doesn't really understand it, but these sermons have given a lot more clarity to it. It is the revelation of Christ (chapter 1 verse 1), and gives a powerful description of God, of heaven, and of God's hatred of sin. It just makes me stand in awe of God and bow down to worship before his throne. This is not some sissy god that we are serving.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own reality. It does't matter what my circumstance is, I can get caught up in the current goings on, forgetting that there is so much more beyond my little world and my little head. Francis challenges the listener to read 3 chapters of Revelation a day, and in a week you will have finished it. I started doing that, and it has been a powerful thing already. Chapter 1 verse 3 says: Blessed is the one who read the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near." Wow. And yet so many Christians stay as far away from this book as possible, despite the promise for blessing. However, this isn't a light promise. We must take to heart that God is mighty, that God hates sin, that God sees what we do and we will answer to him.

As I read that last sentence back, it sounds like a threat. Yes, God is someone to be feared, but this book isn't just preaching hellfire and brimstone. The heavenly beings described in the book are drawn to worship him day and night. Have you ever been in a place that takes your breathe away and your heart must worship? For me it happens when I am in the mountains and see a fantastic view, or when I see the enormity of the ocean sparkling in the sun. I see these and am reminded of the God who created them, that he filled these things with a glimmer of his own beauty. My God is greater than these things, my God is more powerful than the mighty winds and waves.

God created these things to reflect his beauty, created them to worship him, and my spirit can often feel that when I gaze on nature's beauty. Yet I don't want to worship God in ignorance of who he is. That type of worship doesn't last long beyond the last notes of the worship songs, beyond the doors of the church. So often I sing in ignorance of the God I am actually worshipping. But when I read the words of Revelation, I am taught about this incredible God. I encourage you to read Revelation again or for the first time and to listen to the Francis Chan sermons I linked to above. You're missing an important piece of God without this revelation.

Elusive Bubble Gifts

Bubbles once again showed up at the place I babysit, so we had another bubble party. I love watching the three-year-old and the dog run around jumping at the bubbles and trying to eat them (the dog) or pop them by clapping them (the boy). It is so stinking cute. Today I was making tons of bubbles, then I'd watch them follow them around the yard, and then I would make some more. A number of times, both of them would follow after one bubble that was way beyond their reach when I had already made hundreds more that they hadn't turned around to see.

I started thinking that this was a sort of simile for what I do with God. I look to him for a gift, and then I set my eyes on that gift and follow it. If I looked to God, I would see that there are many other gifts waiting, I just have to keep my eyes on him. Instead I look only at one elusive gift that seems just beyond my reach and I agonize that I can't have that one.

Spiritual lessons with bubbles. Who knew?

Adele's Rolling in the Deep

Misty Blue

I love Wisconsin

I took this picture from this blog post about Wisconsin. It also has more great pictures of Wisconsin cities, foods, and more.

I live just south of Wisconsin. I love going there. I love driving in Wisconsin. It is always a gorgeous drive with rolling hills, great sunsets and moon rises, green fields, cute towns and great cities...

Wisconsin makes my heart happy. Too bad about all the fuss with teachers there lately, or I would look for a job there.

Wisconsin Potatoes

I'm not from these parts.

I am neither a city girl nor a country girl.

Folks from the country might say I am a city girl. People from the city might say I am a country girl.

I grew up in a town and have lived in suburbs and spent some time on a farm but not enough to know anything. I don't wholly identify with any one place.

I say these things to demonstrate my ignorance of both places. This weekend I was exposed to a wonderful place in central Wisconsin.

I had no idea there was such an incredible community of potato growers and small-town dwellers in central Wisconsin. I got to spend a wonderful weekend working at an event largely paid for by the Wisconsin Potato Growers. I was so blessed by the volunteers and the group of people who hosted the event. It was truly a wonderful event, made so not by the activities themselves (which were great) but by the people involved.

Stevens Point and surrounding areas, I'll not soon forget your warm welcome and loving hearts.

GMC Terrain

Today I got to go to another work event and I rented a car for the long drive. The rental place gave me a free upgrade because they didn't have any small cars in stock. Oh, ok, sounds good to me! It turns out I got a really nice car. Apparently it gets good gas mileage, although I didn't analyze that. About 27 miles to the gallon they told me, which doesn't hold a candle to my other favorite car, the Toyota Prius, but it seems good in comparison to other SUVs...?

I loved driving this GMC Terrain and was so sad to give it back after a long, luxurious weekend of driving!

Before We Turn To Stone

To Love You More

Turning Tables

Fruits and Vegetables

After sitting in traffic while coming home from a full day of work, feeding and walking some hungry dogs, and taking care of some plants while it was still daylight, it was time to make myself a nutritious meal of Macaroni and Cheese. Mmm! Ok, so it isn't that nutritious, but after I ate, I spent a good chunk of time cutting up some fruits and veggies that I had from my garden or that I had bought at the store and just shoved into the fridge. I LOVE fresh fruits and vegetables, and I LOVE growing them in my garden! I want to live in a place where I can grow lots of yummy things. The town I wanted to live in in Bolivia (which I might go back to one day) was the "California" of Bolivia. Orchards everywhere, temperate weather, and wonderful opportunities to grow some fantastic foods right in your yard! Hmm, this is making me hungry. I think I am going to go and eat some more of those watermelons, strawberries, sugar peas, green beans, peppers, and more...

Worship and Nap Time

Have you ever been with a child who desperately needs a nap? What might have been the slightest annoyance is now the end of the world. Tantrums. Screaming. The things once beloved are now terrible. The world is out to get you. Nothing is fair. Nothing can solve this except a nap.

I was thinking about this today as I sat in church feeling so filled up. I often feel like that tantrum-throwing child in my day-to-day life. I don't throw myself down on the floor and scream, but sometimes I feel like doing that. I snap at people. I feel tired and overworked and under-appreciated. Nothing satisfies me. And then I come to church and think, "Oh duh, of course! What I really needed was to worship Christ, to hear God's word, to be with other believers who are also trying to follow God, those who set an example for me in how to live in between Sundays. Of course nothing else would satisfy me or give me this feeling of sweet rest."

I love my church. It allows me to meet with God and be refreshed. I feel really privileged to be in a church that does that. I need to be more conscientious about spending time in worship during the week to avoid all these adult-tantrums!

This is the song that was being sung as I walked into church my very first visit there. I had never heard the song before, and I found that the words stop me in my tracks. We haven't sung it in a long time, but today, just when I needed to hear these sweet words again, it showed up.

(Note: This is not my church in the video.)

All I Have Is Christ


I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way.
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave.
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will.
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still.

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross.
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose.
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You.

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI), by Jordan Kauflin

Painting and Skyping

Today I got to paint a garage with new friends and spend 2.5 hours on Skype with a dear "old" friend. She's not old, but I've known her a lot longer than most of the people I am around in my new town. It was so so SO refreshing to get to work with my hands and then relax with a friend. I LOVE Skype!

New Job

Today I start a new job. This one is just for a month. I am dogsitting for some friends/sort of family members. (Is a sister-in-law's family considered family? I consider them so.) I get to live at their house and love their dogs for awhile. The bigger dog has really calmed down since last year. She is only 2, so I was expecting her to still be puppy-like. They also have a very old toy poodle. It is an adventure to squeeze the dogs' schedule into everything that is going on, but I am grateful for the opportunity!

Craziest of Crazy Times? & Answered Prayers

10 days ago I was between semesters and bored. I can't even imagine that feeling right now. I am exhausted and amazed at how much has squeezed into the last week and a half. More craziness to come, I know. After a subdued Spring, I think this crazy time is good preparation for student teaching in the fall, my first years teaching, eventually trying to have a family...

I will go back and post more about the craziness of the past days. For today, though, I just want to recognize the beauty of answered prayers. I prayed that our home would be a place to offer hospitality to others. It has been a random stopping ground for a few people this week who met with an unexpected need for a place to be. I prayed that I would be able to make more connections. In the past few weeks I have met at least 10 new people in the area and the aftermath of a big storm brought us closer together. I prayed for a ministry I could be a part of, and one fell into my lap. When I first heard about it, I knew that was for me.

There has been bad stuff mixed in with the good, hard stuff mixed in with the easy. I am thankful for those things, too, because while the good things are fun, it has been the harder stuff that has led me to some tender places with God, family, and friends.

Game Night

I started this new thing this week. There are some international students living nearby who are here to work at our local theme park. Their life at work is difficult, but they are stuck in a motel when they are off work. I came across a ministry that is trying to make life a little bit more fun for them, create relationships, and introduce them to Christ. Many of them come from communist countries, so their impression of Christianity seems to be either negative or non-existent.

We have a game night on Wednesday nights that I get to be a part of. It was fun to meet some of them and hang out. I felt like I was back in college again, as my friends used to gather to play games on many nights. Fun, cheap, and a great way to hang out with friends. I'm excited for the coming Wednesdays!

Playing with a baby

Our power and air conditioning are back on, just in time for the latest midwest heat wave. My friends down the road are not so lucky. So today I got the chance to play with a two month old while he and his mother cooled off in our house. What a fun little blessing!

10-minute storm

When I opened my garage door this morning, I was expecting it to be another hot, dry day, as have been the last 30-60 days. It's summer. That's what happens. But there were dark purple/blue clouds in the sky. I thought it would probably rain, but maybe it would just blow by.

By the time I got to the end of my neighborhood, large raindrops and small branches were falling on my car. 2 miles later, I could barely see as the wind swept blankets of rain over my car. I pulled into work in the middle of a torrential storm that only lasted 10-30 minutes. Not long.

The first sign of damage was in the backyard of the house were I babysit. The very heavy table had been knocked over and upside down, and their heavy-duty wooden playhouse, which I couldn't have moved by my own strength, had blown across the yard and shattered into splintery wood pieces. At my house, our glass-topped table was shattered. Thousands of trees were torn apart or uprooted completely. There was damage at every yard. We were without power for the whole day, but some people were out for almost a week (I'm posting this a week later).

Yet just like when we had our blizzard a few months back, this storm did a lot of damage physically yet had a very unifying power over the neighbors. People joined together to help move branches, cut hanging limbs down, pile up the debris. People without electricity started spending time with people who's electricity had come back on. Blessings through the storm.

Family Reunion

I was a super shy kid around certain people. It takes me a long time to warm up to people sometimes. I wish I wasn't like that. I wish I could just embrace people right away and just pour out love for new people. But sometimes that is hard for me. I long to see people more as Christ sees them, needing love and grace, and created so specially by a loving God.

I have always been at my shyest around family members. Not my brothers or parents, but cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins, etc. So you can imagine that family reunions were not very fun for me.

This weekend I came down to central Illinois for a family reunion. I came mostly to see my great aunt (see this post about that), not really wanting to explain where I am at in life to all of my mothers' cousins. Wrong perspective, I know.

You can imagine my surprise when I found that my family members are actually wonderful people! Ha, I can't even believe I am writing this. Of course they are wonderful people! Of course they love me and I love them. Of course it is really good to see them and talk with them and learn about them. What in the world am I so afraid of or shy about?

It was a real blessing this weekend to be with my extended family and to see some people that I only see at these reunions and other people that I see more often but not lately due to school and work.

Family. Who knew it could be such a beautiful thing?

Spirit to Spirit Goodbyes

When we walked in, I thought we had the wrong room. Neither one of these two ladies were my aunt. On closer examination, I could see that this woman looked a bit like my aunt, maybe she could be my aunt's mother, but surely not my aunt. A shell, a weak and deteriorated body housing just the spirit of what once was. Thin, so thin. Straight, white hair where my aunt always had permed, brownish-gray hair. Erratic breathing, the only sign of life as she slept. There is something about this eminent death, something about sitting with her, reading a very relevant Bible, that heightens my awareness of life, the precarious and fragile spirit living in us. Alarms go off, the woman in the next bed bangs a spoon over and over, people go in and out, back and forth past the open door. There is no privacy here, and it feels like there is no dignity. But there is hope in the resurrection here. There is a truth to the Bible's psalms, cries for help, promises of forgiveness, proclamation of our weakness and God's strength.

My aunt was basically deaf for the past few years. I remember visiting her with my mother and my grandpa, who also struggles with hearing. My mom would stand in the middle of the two and "translate" by yelling what one said to the other, as neither my aunt or grandpa could speak loudly anymore either.

But now I sit reading the Bible to my sleeping, perhaps comatose aunt, and I am not yellling. I know that she cannot physically hear me. I know that this isn't for the benefit of her body that I read, but for the very much alive spirit living in her. And so I read and I read, flipping through the epistles and Revelation and then the Psalms. Wow, I never realized how many of the things I have underlined in the Bible apply to this precariousness-of-life situation. (On second thought, of course it all applies to the precariousness of life, and that is in fact the purpose of the Bible, but I often read it with a hardened heart, feeling immortal and disconnected. I needed this little wake-up call.) My spirit reads to hers. My spirit connects in a way that we no longer can connect physically. Her spirit comforts mine. Instead of feeling useless because I know she can't hear me, this feels like one of the best times we have ever spent together as our spirits commune.

I sit here and think about my aunt, the ferocious personality she had. I was so afraid of her as a child, but felt such a bond with her as an adult. Day turns to night. She sleeps on. I kiss her hand. It's time to say goodbye, but I cannot bring myself to walk away. I sit and talk to her, giving her permission to go, which I suppose is really just my way of saying goodbye. She surely doesn't need my permission. I kiss her hand and say goodbye again, but still I linger. I thank her for who she was, who she is, for serving countless children through a lifetime of teaching. For loving her many nieces and nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews, and even the ever-growing number of great-great-nieces and great-great-nephews. I am like her in so many ways. Single, childless, yet loving children and wanting a lifetime to teach. Stubborn (but then again, that describes most of my family). Maybe a little fearsome at first, but really desiring to be a loving person once we come out of our initial shell.

Goodbye Aunt Hermine. I will miss you. But I'll see you again in Heaven.

(Aunt Hermine died on Tuesday night, three days after I visited. I am so glad I was able to go when I did.)

Oreo Cookies and Cream No Bake Cheesecake!

http://www.bakersroyale.com/cheesecake/oreo-cookies-and-cream-no-bake-cheesecake/

WHOA! Click on the link for the recipe for this delish!

7 Stages of Grief

So You Think You Can Dance, Top 7 Guys, July 6, 2011


*No Copyright Infringement Intended*
So You Think You Can Dance - S08E12
Song:
Damien Rice - Prague

A Genius' Wish

"These are the times in which genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life or the repose of a pacific station that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised and animated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman."

-Abigail Adams, to her son John Quincy Adams, as quoted in David McCullough's "Knowing History and Knowing Who We Are"

Doing What It Was Meant To Do

In regards to this blog, I seem to have one persistent question rolling through my head: "Should I keep doing it?" Then I think about the excuse that is foremost in my mind, prompting today's repetition of the question. But I am not enhancing my writing by writing it. But nobody cares anyway. But it takes time. But I don't need one more thing on my to-do list. Then I always (and quickly) come back to the same reason to continue writing it: it is changing me.

It is true that I wanted to write this more for working on my writing than to actually re-mold my thought processes and perception of beauty. But I did want that to be a result of the blog as well. I also thought it would be cool to have a secret, anonymous blog and to see how many people actually would read it.

As I have added my posts, I have cared much less about my writing skills and MUCH less about seeing if anyone was reading it than I thought I would. That's not what this is about for me anymore. Now it is about noticing the beautiful things in my life and appreciating them. Now this is about continuing to train my mind to focus on the beautiful moments in life and to find beauty where I wouldn't have noticed before.

As I mentioned on Sunday's post, there were many things that were beautiful to me that day. My heart was in a raw and weary state, and I craved connection, beauty, reassurance, and grace. That is what I got. Then yesterday, Monday, I had a rough day and once again needed someone to speak God's peace to me. I found myself wishing it were Saturday night so that I could have my Sunday fix of study, worship, fellowship, and accountability. But it was only Monday...

Today I had a few things to do, but when I woke up I had no idea what kind of day it would be. It ended up being another rejuvenating and just-what-I-needed kind of day.

Beauty #1: My friend called just as I was leaving my house and we had a nice catch-up talk. Every time I am with her I enjoy myself. She has a way of making people feel welcomed. She helps you feel like you are an important part of her day.

Beauty #2: I had to go to a hotel to meet a contact for a new ministry. The woman I met at the hotel was so friendly and helpful. She will make sure everything I need is available or gets done. She will offer me a meeting space and help me spread the word about what we are doing. We just met today. Wow.

Beauty #3: I have been trying to coordinate something for three months, and for awhile I didn't think it would work out. Today I was finally able to do what I had set out to do, and it was so good.

Beauty #4: I met another woman through a friend. She is a grandmother, a great-grandmother in fact, the kind you picture when you think of sweet, friendly grandmothers. I know she has her shortcomings, but today all I saw was the embodiment of beauty. I sat at her kitchen table and talked like we had known each other for quite awhile. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back, it felt just like I was talking with my own grandmother, who passed away 8 years ago. No wonder I felt so at home with her. I can't wait to go back and visit with her again.

Beauty #5: I had my favorite kind of smoothie for lunch and then got to spend time watering all of my plants, which is one of my favorite summer activities. I love to spend time looking at each plant and marveling at how fast (or slow) it has grown, and find out what kind of care it needs (weeding, more water, etc).

Beauty #6: I met with the couple that hired me to dogsit this summer. I did this last year as well, so I felt comfortable going into their home and getting a refresher on the dog details. It was also fun to see the dogs again and catch up with this couple. I am eager to enjoy these dogs again this summer, and they blessed me with some payment up front. I totally wasn't expecting that little blessing.

Beauty #7: I started a new class tonight. Two nights a week for five weeks. Methods for teaching social studies. It could be completely awful. I mean, who liked social studies as a kid? Not many of us would say that they did. But the teacher is a real enthusiast and has a ton of experience being that Jaime Escalante-type teacher. She did three things tonight that I have never in this program or my undergrad experienced. She engaged us all in talking about ourselves and what brought us to this career-change program. Not just the "tell me your name and a fun fact about you" but actually helping us to learn about where each other is at in life. Then she gave us a break but gave us an article to read over break. No one has ever usurped my break like that at school, and it actually worked really well. I didn't feel cheated out of a break, I didn't feel pressure to read this article for homework or during class, and it was a really good article. Third was that she kept us until 8:30 and I didn't even notice the time flying by. In the past teachers have tried to keep us the full three hours but we just tune out by the end and complain about the teacher later. Not tonight. She was engaging. She was contagiously excited about the topic. And I didn't notice the time flying by for the first time ever.

Beauty #8 A girl in my class needed a ride to the train. I happen to live next to the train, so it only made sense to take her. We got a chance to talk a little bit, and it sounds like her background is completely different than mine, yet we have a lot in common. I really like her and I am excited to get to know her more. If I hadn't gotten to drive her, I don't think I would have ever talked to her about our lives. She is so sweet, and I feel like I have so much to learn from her. People in class were saying how nice I was to give her a ride. If they only knew. I am the one who has been so blessed today. I am just so thankful for the surprise blessings of beauty that floated into my life today.

Going back to the way I began this blog, I don't think today would have been anything more than a good day without this blog. I would have felt good at the end of it, but I don't think I would have recognized the beauty that I got to experience. I don't think I would have appreciated the tender hearts of the people I met or the blessings that arrived just when I needed them after feeling down yesterday. What a gift this blog has been to me.

Fireworks and Festivities

I am copying this picture from here.

I went to a fireworks show on July 2nd, saw them from my house on July 3rd, and went to another show on July 4th. It has been a festive weekend. I wanted to post a picture of fireworks, but looking through some google image pictures, I realized that they all seemed very beautiful but weird to me. Fireworks don't stay in one place like that. They appear and they dazzle and then they are gone. I would say that fireworks are definitely something that can't be captured in their true essence in a picture. While the pictures are incredible, they don't capture the summer heat, the immediacy of the fireworks, the mosquitoes, the loud body-shaking bangs and the high-pitched shrieks of the fireworks as they shoot into the air. The picture I used is one I like because it feels like you are right under the fireworks, just like my experience tonight and last year as I sat almost directly under the fireworks. Last year we were both watching the fireworks and watching the little pieces coming down all around us. This year there weren't so many ashes falling.

Today I went on a flag-hunt wagon walk with my kiddos. They waved their flags singing their toddler rendition of "Wavin' Flag" by K'Naan. Super cute. We played in the water fountain and played with our flags and had a grand old time. How do you explain the concept of a country to little ones? And how do you explain that a place has a birthday? I didn't go into the details because they were happy waving their little flags obliviously. But someday I want to explain more about this nation.

Beauty's all around

Today's little moments:
-seeing a friend use his spiritual gifts to lead others
-meeting a mostly blind/mostly deaf woman who proclaimed beauty in her life and therefore beauty existed
-sitting by two friends while worshipping Christ
-a sermon that addressed EXACTLY what I have been struggling with for the past couple months
-meeting two new friends with common interests in ministry for Swedish lunch
-an afternoon focused on Christ and the gifts he gave to me
-watching videos of my dear friends across the country, feeling as though we were in the same room again
-time to curl up amidst my pillows and read a good book
-a chance to test out my knee injury and realize it isn't ready yet to run, but my mind is still in a runner's mindset
-the most open, loving, and full-of-grace conversation I have had in months
-watching one of my favorite books as a movie
-a surprise fireworks show, the high ones viewable from our upstairs windows

There was a lot of beauty today, amidst a lot of inner struggle. Yesterday was one of those days where things seem final and fatal and I forget how fleeting these days are. Yesterday I carried the world on my shoulders. Today I left my house for church in a cruel huff, asking God for forgiveness and grace even before 8:30 am. And God not only offered me some incredible grace today, but also showered me with reminders of his love and provision. It was a truly beautiful day.

When they're the hardest

Talking about children:

When they're the most difficult, when they're the hardest is when they need you the most.

-Diane Sawyer's Paraphrase of Jennifer Garner's mother's advice

Riding my Bike

I love riding my bike. It makes me feel like a kid again. I love the wind blowing through my helmet and feeling the direct correlation between effort and speed. I haven't been riding this summer yet except once to check out how it made it through the winter and then today. I decided to take a month off of exercises that involve repetitive knee action, and that month is almost over, so I snuck in a leisurely bike ride to the library. My knee does hurt again after the ride, but it sure was fun! I love riding my bike and I can't wait to do more of it. I think I should probably just put off dealing with this nagging knee (or "knee knuckle" as my favorite 2.5 year old says!) until winter.

It's too bad you can't post...

It's too bad you can't post a smell. Summer flower smells. I love summer flower smells. I love to walk, run, ride, or drive past them and get a whiff of this summertime delight.

Bubbles

This picture is from this super cute blog.

I have had the best week playing outside with a 2 year old, a 3 year old, and a bubble-loving yellow lab. I think life should include more bubbles. I might just have to put some in my car for some spontaneous fun.

First Birthdays

Today is Alexis' first birthday! My college roommate married another good friend of mine from college and today they celebrate their child's first birthday! It has been amazing to watch her grow this year. The first year is such an amazing time of growth. One year ago I was basically the same person as I am today. But little Alexis has gone from completely helpless to almost being able to walk by herself. She has developed a little personality and has come to know and love her family, pets, and home. Reflecting on how fast the year felt for me and how much she has grown, I am in awe of this life and growth.

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.

Ok, I don't even like America's Got Talent, and this is the second posting I am doing from them in a week. The other video I got in an email link, and this one I happened to see flipping through channels. I love Landau's heart and he has an incredible voice. I love seeing people jump out of their ordinary lives and take a risk for the sake of a dream.

Toyota Prius

This is a Toyota Prius. This is my favorite car of the last few months. I don't have one yet, but if I had to buy a car today, I would buy this one. I love that they offer this car in my favorite color. I love that the car uses a lot of battery instead of gas in stop and go traffic, which is mostly what I drive in. And I love seeing these cars on the road more and more. I have always been a fan of alternative energies and I love love love the idea of moving away from petroleum dependency. As I drive, I always appreciate seeing a Prius out on the road with me. One day I hope to be a Prius owner, too!

Transforming Events

Today I worked at an event that was put together by a thirteen year old. Her parents had a lot to do with it, but it was this girl's heart and perseverance that got this event rolling. Thirteen years old. She now has the record for the youngest host of one of my events, with second place being a high school junior. I just love it when kids see something that is worth going after and decide to do it. They aren't held back by the enormity of it, aren't bombarded with thousands of reasons why they shouldn't do it or can't pull it off. They just see it or hear about it, decide it is what they want to do, and they get it done.

This event was a real blessing to me. This event was added to my schedule after a conflict cut half my June hours. I had begged to be put on a different event, a repeat from last year that I wanted to go back to. But God had other plans. I needed to be at this event in Decatur, IL, put on by a thirteen year old. I am so grateful I got to be a part of it.

Her dad said that it was truly a transforming day and event for her. She is usually shy, unable to talk to people and look in their eyes. This event required that she invite, register, welcome, and speak publicly to hundreds of people. She did it with the charm and collectedness of a pro. I was so proud of her. I saw a young girl take on a huge responsibility and become a young woman through it. I pray that this is just the start of something huge for her life. Hearing her dreams for her next project, I think that this is just the beginning of a truly beautiful vocation.

Stong Verbs

I relish strong verbs. Not typically one to use them, (see previous blog posts for proof), I appreciate when I hear vivid descriptions and accurate verbage.

Audrey Wood

http://www.audreywood.com/books-written-by-don,-bruce,-and-audrey-wood/all-books-written-and-illustrated-by-the-woods

I LOVE Audrey Wood books! One of my passions is working with children, and that includes reading a lot of books. I often have to read the same books two, three, four, or more times in one sitting. Because of that, I try to find books that I actually like, and I can count on Audrey Wood. I haven't read all of her books yet, but two of my favorites are The Napping House and Silly Sally. These have both become books my kids and I recite at the kitchen table, on the swings, or whenever we feel like it, without even opening the book anymore. I love that my little ones can flip through their books at nap time and recite the story. The rhymes are fun and catchy. To my chagrin, I recite them to myself even when I am not with the kiddos! Though these two stories don't have much of a point, they do work on rhyming (Silly Sally) and adjectives (The Napping House). I love looking at the pictures, especially in the books illustrated by Don Wood, Audrey's husband.

Plato

The contemplation of beauty causes the soul to grow wings.

"Look at how beautiful!"

I have never met this family, but I love to read their blogs and keep up with their happenings. They are more than just a fun/funny family, though. Tara, the main blog writer, continually challenges my thoughts on missions and showing God's love and the way that I think about serving God. This recent blog fits the theme of my blog really well, and is a good summary of the reason that I started this blog.
Be blessed by Tara's recent post.

http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2011/06/look-up.html

Sung-Bong Choi

Wow. This young man has an incredibe story and an incredible gift. What a blessing to hear him sing.

TV Dads

There's something special about television dads. Some are awful or missing in action, of course, but what about those good dads who always manage to stick to their morals and end each 30-or 60-minute episode with a smile and a sweet song playing in the background? Here's my Top 10 Favorite TV Dads from when I was growing up. Can you name the actor and the show?



10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4. 3. 2.

1.
And a bonus father figure from a great movie:

Dear TV Dads: I know you aren't really the people that you play on tv. But nevertheless you'll always be the special tv dads that I grew up with! (I didn't grow up with the Elf dad, but he deserved a spot.)

Answers: 10. Alan Thicke, Growing Pains, 9.Reginald VelJohnson, Family Matters, 8. Tony Danza, Who's The Boss, 7. Tim Allen, Home Improvement, 6. Tom Bosley, Happy Days, 5.Michael Landon, Little House on the Prairie, 4. 3. 2. Bob Saget, John Stamos, Dave Coulier, Full House, 1. Bill Cosby, The Cosby Show, Bonus: Bob Newhart, Elf