Working Out

"The world is the great gymnasium where we come to make ourselves strong."
Swami Vivekananda

Questions

I have been interacting with some Chinese students all summer, and tonight we had a party for them because their workplace was closed. Two people showed up with English/Chinese books of the gospel of John, and then a woman I don't know showed up, also from China, to share with the students. She takes their new versions of John and starts explaining things to them animatedly and like she knew exactly what she was talking about, she knew exactly how to share her faith. I sat and listened to her beautiful Chinese, and I saw my non-Christian friends ask her questions and give her a lot of attention and respect, even though pretty much all of them do not share her faith. It was so cool to see these two random events come together so that God could plant some seeds. My heart breaks for my friends who claim that they are Buddhists or atheists, and those who believe there is some kind of governing god but know nothing about this god. Our time is short. Who in your life doesn't know or care about Jesus?

Basic yet Profound

I had the privilege of bringing two friends to church today. One is a brand new Christian from a non-Christian country with a non-Christian family who is soon returning to her country where I am certain she will be persecuted for her faith. Pray for her. The other girl is a non-Christian who didn't seem too interested in stuff (maybe just shy?) until she saw two people at church that she had met before.

We randomly sat in on a class that was talking about why we share our faith and what our faith means to us. This was a one time class and this was the one week the girls could come with me. My non-Christian friend blessed me by talking about God's love, saying that she knew that we Christians loved her because God loved us and we were sharing his love. I have been so amazed by the gift of seeing her simple and basic faith, not bogged down by theological details or anger with other churchgoers. Her profound words have consistently floored me, and I am so humbled to be a part of her journey and to get a glimpse of what God has been doing in her heart this summer.

Enough

I live in a world where there is never enough. There is never enough time to do everything you need to do. There is never enough time to meet the needs of every child, to connect and walk with each student. There are never enough resources. There is never enough time to process through one thing before the next thing blows up. Schoolwork and regular work can always be improved, there is always more to read, more to learn, more to prepare...good enough is not really good enough anymore. Enough. What an elusive concept.

I hate thinking those things above living in one of the most affluent parts of the world. In reality, what IS enough? How can I find a healthy sense of "enough"?

Jesus is the only "enough" in my life. His grace is enough. There is nothing further I must do once I am in his arms, and it doesn't take any work to get into his arms in the first place.

Enough. Aaahhh. That's what enough looks like.

No Sacrifices

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
-Steve Prefontaine

Walk and Talk

I am a runner. I love spending time talking one on one with a friend. You would think I would mix these two passions and run with a buddy. Yet I rarely do. Truth is, I haven't known anyone who lived near enough and wanted to be running buddies for years. I'm still not really running right now because of my knee. But tonight I got together with a dear friend and we walked one of my favorite running trails. It was so incredibly wonderful to talk, to walk, to be out in nature and to see all the deer eating their dinners. I am so thankful for the chance to hang out with this beautiful friend.

I am Much Too Alone In This World, Rainier Maria Rilke

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.
I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone, st. 1 (as translated by Annemarie S. Kidder)

Carbon Ribs

Carbon Ribs, By John Mark McMillan


I love this song. I come back to it often. Read these words and you'll see the beauty of grace revealed.

A thousand pairs of fiery eyes burn like a serpent down the Highway 5 as the long amber tail to Los Angeles unwinds.

I've got his resurrection down inside my skin but for all my revelating I just can't make sense of this gravity we're in

Cause I'm a dead man now with a ghost who lives within the confines of these carbon ribs and one day when I'm free I will sit, the cripple at your table, the cripple by your side...

A thousand miles of pain I'm sure led you to the threshold of my heart's screen door to tell me what it is I'm dying for

Gravity comes like a cold, cold rain to lead me to the rope again but someone is standing at my place

Cause I'm a dead man now with a ghost who lives within the confines of these carbon ribs and one day when I'm free I will sit, the cripple at your table, the cripple by your side
the cripple at your table
the cripple by your side...

And I sit beside you.
And I sit beside you.
And I sit beside you.
And I sit beside you.

Caged Beast

Beware the angry, caged beast lurking in these high heels.

Full. Too much. Need to move. Freedom. Need to move faster. Breathe in the smells of the summer wild grasses. Drink in the sights. Move faster. Run. Run. Run. Breathe. Breathe deeply. My soul needs to breathe. Keep moving. The tension won't dissipate fast enough. Keep moving. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be. Run. Walk. Run faster. Walk. Turn the music up. Hootie and the Blowfish. Jason Mraz. John Mark McMillan. Les Mis. It doesn't matter. Louder. Move. Release. Calm. Breathe. Move, move on from today. Be me. Take off these stupid shoes and let me be free.

Broken Heart

A few months ago I started to feel really convicted about sharing my faith. I am a Christian and Christians around me talk about their conversations with nonchristians, what they have learned, what they have shared, how they interact beyond the superficial daily conversations with these nonchristian friends, etc. I realized that not only do I not talk about faith matters with nonchristians, but I don't even know what the people around me believe. Are my friends just decent people with good morals, or are they, like me, people who are aware of their sins and their desperate need for a savior and they find life and mercy in Christ alone? I did not know.

All summer I have been learning more about the people around me, and what I have learned breaks my heart. Many of my friends believe in many different things, but few of them know how loving and merciful Christ is. Few of them want to know.

My heart breaks for my friends.

I am not pretending that I know it all, and I hope it doesn't come across like that. In fact, during the last few months, I have been stripped of many things I thought I knew, my pride has been ground up and hit by some huge mac trucks, and I feel weak and vulnerable. However, the saviour I cling to has not changed, and I prefer to gather my strength from him over myself anyway.

In finding out about other spiritual beliefs, I have had to examine my own, as I think one should do often. I come back to the resurrection each time. 1 Corinthians says something that I have identified with since I began to understand my faith. "If Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith." (1 Corinthians 15:14) and then again Paul says, "And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins." (1 Corinthians 15:17)

But Christ DID rise from the dead, and there is historical proof for this. This is a major subject of many Christian apologetical books, so I will just list a few instead of trying to quote everything.
Josh McDowell, The New Evidence That Demands a Verdict
Lee Strobel, The Case For Christ
Norman Geisler and Frank Turek, I Don't Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist
Norman Geisler and Ron Brooks, When Skeptics Ask

If you doubt this, ask a Christian about it. Read one of those books, which include chapters specifically written to address common doubts and arguments against Christianity.

I don't really know how to conclude this post because the struggle in my heart continues and my love for my numerous unbelieving friends grows every day. So I will link this back to the reason I started this blog: searching for beauty.

In this quest, I have seen more beauty in these friends than I ever did before I knew their beliefs. That surprised me. I thought if I knew that we had differing beliefs, I might feel more distant from them, but in truth, I feel a much greater love for them, a greater desire to be with them, to love them, to listen to them, to learn from them, to live life with them.

Second, I have also seen more beauty in the resurrection. God knew that many hearts would come to him because of that one act. Without the resurrection, I would not be a Christian, but I have read enough proofs for Christ's death and resurrection, from Christian supporters and resurrection critics alike, to believe firmly in the resurrection.

And so once again, I hate the struggles and heartache I have been feeling, but I cling to them as an opportunity for growth, a chance to watch God act, and a place to hold on to Ephesians 3:20-21...

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Heavy in Your Arms Dance

I have often talked about dance expressing my emotions better than words do. So that is what I will embrace today. I have two relationships in my life right now where I feel like Caitlynn's character in this piece. But I also have one relationship in my life where I feel like Marko's character. I guess that is all I will say.

Upside-Down Fun

Today I rode this:

Picture taken from here.

And many many more like it! It was a wonderful day spent with a cherished friend!

More of Rainer: A Walk

As promised, more from Rainer Maria Rilke:

Already my gaze is upon the hill, the sunny one,
at the end of the path which I've only just begun.
So we are grasped, by that which we could not grasp,
at such great distance, so fully manifest—

and it changes us, even when we do not reach it,
into something that, hardly sensing it, we already are;
a sign appears, echoing our own sign...
But what we sense is the falling winds.

Spaziergang (A Walk) (March 1924)

Final Moments

Today was my last day babysitting my little kiddos for awhile. I was hired for the summer, and now I must begin student teaching. The kids' parents have said they would like to have me back to do some babysitting, though, so today won't really be the end, I hope.

I had an incredible summer with them, and I can't believe how blessed I was. I didn't set out looking for a babysitting job because I didn't think anyone could deal with my finicky schedule. However, when I stumbled upon this job, it worked. This job was great with my schedule, great with my needs, and it seems like I was a good fit for them as they were a good fit for me.

I didn't really talk to the kids about it being my last day. I did talk to them about what they would be doing next, going back to see grandma again, who watches them during the school year.

Today was a weird day because I had to leave early for a mandatory student teaching meeting, so I did warn the kids that when they woke up I might still be there, but mom might be home early.

It was the worst nap time ever.

Both of the kids were wide awake and unhappy to be in their rooms. The younger one tore through all of her diapers, diaper creams, hair ties, etc. Then she got scared and upset when I was angry and just took it all out of her room or put it on top of her wardrobe so she couldn't play with it and I could piece things back together. Tears. Screaming. I finally went back in when it sounded like she was hyperventilating, and we had some really tender final moments.

I pulled her sweaty, tear-streaked head onto my lap and had her calm down, told her how much I love her, and just enjoyed her for a few minutes despite all the diaper-terrorizing she had just done. And then she fell asleep.

Fidgety older brother was bored and upset to be in his room, which he usually does without a problem, so he got to come out early and read books with me. I guess when it is the last nap time with me I don't have to be such a stickler about nap rules. We also got a tender last few minutes as we read books and waited for his mom.

The kids' parents were so wonderful to me. They were generous with their food. I could ask for any supplies or stuff if I wanted to do something with the kids. Nap times were my free time. They paid me the full rate even though they came home about 15 minutes early almost every single time. They were kind and helpful to me, and they gave me a thoughtful and tear-jerking final card and gift.

I feel so sad that the summer fun with this family is over, but I feel incredibly blessed to have had the experience. Many of my beauty-related posts centered around these kids, and I praise God to have them in my life.

Selected Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke (1960)

I am generally not one to enjoy poetry. I rarely understand the depths of the words and intentions. But German poet Rainer Maria Wilke's writings have captivated me. I do not know his beliefs, his experiences, his motivations, or anything else that made him who he was. But when I read his words, my heart responds. Expect to hear more from him in the coming months.

What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are.

--Selected Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke (1960)

(I know this is not a poem, but if you read in the future, you will read some of Mr. Rilke's actual poems)

Forget Fear

"Every failure is a step to success." -William Whewell

We let ourselves be much too limited by fear of failure. What are we so afraid of? Why is it so mortifying to fail? My hopes don't rest on success. My hope rests in God, who cannot be defeated. I am not guaranteed success for my own desires and goals. But I guess I don't really care too much about my own ways when I can recognize that God's ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

A Salute to our Police Officers, Firemen, and EMTs

As I left small group today, I came across a car accident. There were numerous police cars, ambulances, and a firetruck already at the scene, but the smashed cars were still strewn around the road. It was scary to see, but I was comforted by the fact that none of the ambulances seemed like they were in a hurry. People were milling around, so I know there were survivors, and I doubt anything too serious happened based on the people's faces.

Sitting in stopped traffic I had a chance to watch the people in uniform. There were many people dressed in full fireman garb (minus helmets) in the middle of a hot summer afternoon. They were spreading sand or something on the road, sweeping up glass. I never realized how much our police officers, firemen, and EMTs do, and I have never stopped to appreciate that they do so much in hot, heavy clothes.

I was so thankful for these people today, for the risks they take to help others, and for the little things they do that don't get recognized.

Conquering Fears

I got a bonus day with my kiddos today, and I got to experience some pretty cool stuff. We went to the park and I realized that they were afraid of the tall, curly slide. I hadn't recognized this before, and I am thinking it was mostly the older one. The little one was just copying, I think, because she isn't afraid of stuff like that typically. So I took them both down the slide on my lap, then holding hands, then they did it on their own. I was so proud of them for being willing to do that.

The little one is super resistant to potty training, and I haven't really pushed her with it. But I got a book about a duck and pig reading on the toilet. The book isn't wonderful, but I thought I would try sitting her on the toilet and then reading her a book. It actually worked! She did it twice... It's a step, and I am so proud of her!

I love seeing my kids grow and learn and experience new things. I think that is one of the coolest things.

My Life in Ruins

I watched My Life in Ruins today while I caught up on some stuff. It was a cute movie, and it had some incredible scenery, being set on a tour of Greece. Beautiful. I would love to go there someday!

A Calming Effect

Today was my first day going in for student teaching. I just met with the teacher and did a few things to help prepare the room. There is much still to do, and so much I don't know. The teacher was great, though, and helped me to recognize the important stuff. She kept going back to the importance of forming relationships with the kids, and not sweating all the small stuff. I will watch at first and figure out some stuff, and then I will take over little by little, and she will tell me what to do until I am comfortable taking over...She had a great way of calming my nerves on this new and foreign venture. I tend to get all excited and throw all kinds of details at people, but I can learn from her and the way she kept the big picture in mind.

I speak through dance

On the finale of So You Think You Can Dance, Marko said, "I speak through my body." I love that, and it got me wondering how I speak. I have talked about expression, expressing myself through running, through watching dance. I certainly don't speak through actually dancing. I can't dance at all! But I think I speak to myself through watching dance, as I process through things. But how do I speak to others? Empowering kids is something I love, a way that I speak about my belief in children, my love for their enthusisam and hearts. I speak through doing little things for others...sometimes, but not consistently. I sort of speak through writing, although it is rare that I feel like I have thoroughly expressed myself through writing. There is always more to the story when I write, always something I left out. It is a good way for me to process things though...

Anyway, just thinking...

How do you speak?

Work Picnic!

We had a work picnic today, and it was my first ever work picnic as an employee. I remember going to work picnics with my dad, who worked at a huge corporation. They had food, Spin Art, Bounce Houses, and I'm sure much more, but those are the few weird things I remember.

I work for a much smaller non-profit, so I didn't know what to expect. We had a few games and some good food, but mostly it was just a time to connect about real outside-of-work things, to enjoy a gorgeous summer day at a beautiful park, and to celebrate the staff members who will be leaving for transfers or other reasons...

It was a really nice evening!

Fool of Me

Sasha and Kent, So You Think You Can Dance, Top 6

Random Sightings

I walked into church this morning and ran into my neighbors, who were visiting. Surprise!

It was a very different service than I have ever been to at that church. Typically the kids have their own activities and stuff during the sermon, but this time the whole sermon was for the kids, who gathered up front. A few parents went up too, with the little ones, and as they went back to their seats, I noticed a familiar face in the crowd. One of my best friends from high school, who now lives in Oklahoma! What a wonderful surprise! I got to meet her husband and two small kids, and just spend a few minutes catching up.

Then after church I got a call from a friend passing through the city. Her timing was perfect, and we were able to meet up for a bit before she had to go.

What a wonderful day!

Harry Potter and the movie marathon

Well, I wanted to watch Harry Potter 5, 6, and 7 pt 1 before I saw Part 2. I put myself on the waiting list at the library, but the timing of it all was weird. I got 7.1, then 6, then 5 all in a week's time, but backwards. I could tell I was next for 5, so I waited to watch the others, but by the time I got 5, the others were due...so what to do? Watch them all in 24 hours, of course! Whoa. It was a bit overwhelming, but my mom wanted to watch them too, so it was a fun time with my mom and the cuddly cat.

Wrestling

Many times, the premise of this blog leads me to give a dishonest portrayal of myself. Looking for the beautiful, trying to find the beautiful things in life...not much place for negativity on a blog like that.

I have ways of coping with that. I skip writing on those days until I feel better. I post an impersonal picture or video that I do think is beautiful...but they allow me to hide. I never really intended to be completely transparent on this blog anyway...I mean, that's what private conversations, diaries, and prayers are for. Not the internet.

Yet, today I want to write about the harder stuff. Today I want to admit that many of the topics I write about are ones that I wrestle with. This last week I think I posted twice about the concept of home, posting from two different sides of the argument within me. My life is very up in the air right now, and I want a place to call home, I want a place where I can be myself, but also where I am my best self. I don't want to come home and release the chained beast within, as I have done my whole life. It's ok to be nasty at home because I've been cooped up in this polite vocabulary all day and now I need to be me in all my anger and rudeness. Gosh, that sounds so weird to put it in words, but that is actually what happens to me. My mom has told me that she would go easy on us after school because she knew from reports that we were being very well-behaved in the classroom. It's a bad habit I have carried with me my whole life. Lash out against the ones you love because you know they are stuck with you. What am I thinking?

And yet I find it so hard to be a nice person with those closest to me. They are most able to get under my skin, to annoy, to frustrate...My expectations are so high. I want you to be perfect, I want this relationship to be better, I want good things for you. And yet, here I am being a hypocritical lunatic! I don't get it, and I don't like it that I do these things.

One of my close relationships has been strained for a long time. I can't let up on this person. I nag, I complain, I criticize. I sure do have a funny way of showing love. I recognize what I am doing, although I probably don't recognize all the hidden motivations. I do hear myself, though, and it's like I can't shut my mouth. I walk in with such good intentions. Today I will be better. Today I will keep my mouth shut, or only say nice things. Today I will be different. I pray about this, I agonize over this, but I have not been able to show any results of a new heart.

I am really hard on myself as well. The things I see this other person doing are things I also see myself doing. The things I nag about are things I don't want for myself, things I struggle with myself. This other person doesn't see anything wrong with these things, or at least not to my knowledge, but I do.

But I am called to love. I am called to honor. I am called to respect. I serve a wonderful and powerful God, and I want him to take this relationship and change it. Today there is awe and recognition of incredible beauty in the fact that God can change the situation, and he can change me. I have wanted him to change the other person for so long, but really, the change must come in me.

So there it is, one of the many things I am wrestling with lately. I include it because I am also seeing how struggle can be a blessing. All things, even awful things, can come back around and change me for the better, to be a more humble, more loving, more understanding servant.

Completion

I came back to the United States over 21 months ago. (I don't keep track of the time anymore, I just now counted.) I came back to get a teaching certificate, and the thought of that process terrified me. I remember thinking that I didn't want to commit to the master's program because two years was just FOREVER, and I didn't think I could handle staying in the United States that long, I didn't want to put my desire to be in Bolivia on hold for that long, I didn't want to conform to the negative aspects of my own culture again.

So I started classes at the university that had the program I wanted and would allow me to start classes the soonest. I jammed each semester with as much as I thought I could handle so I could finish. Most semesters I was in over my head, so I am fairly burned out on this whole thing now. It was a tough transition to get back into school, but now I am totally used to the need to read textbooks, study, write papers, go to class, and pay a whole lot of tuition.

Today I turned in my last project and went to my last class of my normal program. I am not done, as I still have a seminar and student teaching to do, but as far as what I have been doing for a year and a half, I am done with school as I have known it to be. Now I venture into the unknown, into doing what I have been trained to do (in theory).

I am excited about teaching, but I am also saddened by the thought that I won't see some of my classmates again. I have enjoyed getting to know many of them. They have made it a pleasure to go to class -- usually :-)

Tonight is bittersweet, but there it is. It is complete... sort of.

Circle Back

For some weeks now I have led a game night for some Chinese students (and one Ecuadorian student) who are here for the summer. I have written bits and pieces about this before. But I must say, each week I leave there amazed at how blessed I feel to have interacted with these students. I started out thinking that I would try to be a blessing to these people who are visitors to our country for such a short time since I myself have been in that position and been so blessed by random strangers. And while I do still want to be a blessing to them, and I pray for them and all that, I go now to game nights because they are my friends. I haven't met all of them yet, and there are usually some new faces or faces I don't know very well. But each week I have been so blessed, seeing people from the week before, enjoying the games but much moreso enjoying their company. Something has gone terribly wrong in our country that we tend to shy away from people with a different color skin than our own. The blessings multiply when I get to spend time with these beautiful people. Tonight I realized that I want there to be much more of this type of thing in my future path. I love interacting with people from other cultures and learning from them and sharing with them, whether I am in their home country or they are in mine. I want to do more of this because they are such a blessing to me.

Is that selfish? I'm not sure yet...

Nesting...

There is this concept called nesting. It happens when you start getting comfortable where you are, surrounding yourself with friends, with things you love, etc. It isn't a bad thing, although it can lead to some bad habits. When I first heard about it, I was in a time in my life where it sounded simply awful. I could not imagine why anyone would want to stay in one place. This was a few years back, and for the last three years or so I have been much more eager to start spreading some deeper roots in a smaller spot instead of spreading shallow roots in a large area. I don't know if I will ever be in a place that I stay for longer than 2 years. So far that hasn't happened in over a decade. But I do know that when I first came back here from living overseas, I was lonely and bored and didn't know anyone in this area.

Tonight I realized that I have made some connections, spread a bit of a nest here for now. I realized I am making plans with classmates, meeting up with church friends, going to random game nights with Chinese students, and connecting with people with whom I work. How cool is that? Two years ago I didn't know any of these people, and now I have a whole bunch of people I hope to keep up with in some way no matter where I go.

Have you stopped to appreciate your new friends lately? Who do you know now that you didn't know in 2010?

Summertime Exercising

The summer nights are getting a bit cooler, at least in the current weather system, and the runners are out. I have the privilege of seeing people who don't appear to be naturally athletic out enjoying the summertime. I must say I love that. Tonight I saw a man out by himself, a group of four women doing a walk/jog, a middle-aged guy riding his bike, some girls out for a walk, and more. It's just so inspiring! Get me out of this car and let me join you! (Well, I don't want to join the people I see out in the middle of the day in August. That's just crazy.)

This week the bike paths have been calling to me. "Come back, we miss you!" I am so thankful for the many trails and bike paths in my little suburb. I am so blessed, and it will be so good to get back out there. My legs are still unable to handle running, and I am more and more ready to spend lots of money on some medical tests. Running: you are worth it.